Famous People with Mental Illnesses Part 1: Sherman & Grant

If you're at all like me, you constantly compare yourself to other people and frequently feel like an absolute, miserable fucking failure. I have to limit my time on Facebook because smiling people in photos on vacations or with their happy families is difficult to watch, at least most of the time. I constantly judge myself on others. They're skinny, why aren't I? They probably don't take six medications a day, why do I have to? I must not be good enough. They are well into their lifetime careers while I have switched mine numerous times and am in the middle of switching again. They finished school in 4 years and have more money, a bigger house...and so on. It's not that I don't want other people to be happy. I truly am happy for people who are happy and well off. It just reminds me of all the ways I do not measure up, at least in my own head.

Solution? Read autobiographies of famous people who had mental illnesses. In particular, I have always found the autobiographies of people like William T. Sherman and Ulysses S. Grant to be very, very comforting. Why?

They were two of the most influential people in the American Civil War, and both of them had mental illnesses. Both felt like failures well into their late thirties because they seemed to fail at everything while everyone else flourished. Their stories are similar: they both enlisted in the Mexican War in the early 1800s, and found civilian life after to be incredibly difficult. Both were treading water, barely able to stave off bankruptcy and starvation. Both had grim outlooks on the remainder of their lives. Both changed careers multiple times, failing at just about each one. They were best friends, and therefore are both in Part 1 of this series.

William Tecumseh Sherman

"I find myself in a whirlwind, unable to guide the storm." 

William T. Sherman was one of the lynchpins of Union success in the American Civil War. Sherman became a feared and respected commander, eventually going onto become the highest general in the land, and even suggested for President (which he did not want, and told others "If elected, I would not serve.") His military strategy is still taught in American military colleges today. William T. Sherman meets all the criteria for Bipolar Type 1 Disorder. He was a chronic insomniac with severe anxiety and was prone to bouts of deep depression. In fact, he was so erratic in moods during the first year of the Civil War that he was relieved of his command and sent on leave with newspapers calling him "Insane." His wife was asked to come get him and take him home to Ohio because Sherman was so paranoid and agitated in the fall of 1861. Aides spoke of his agitated manner, talking so fast no one could get a a word in edgewise, and staying up all night pacing and muttering to himself. He would become paranoid as things progressed in his manic states, thinking the enemy vastly outnumbered his own forces and that complete disaster was imminent. After a manic state ended, he would crash into a deep depression, or "melancholy" as people described it. His wife, Ellen Sherman, wrote that the "melancholies" ran in Sherman's family. She also wrote that in his depressive states, he would not eat or sleep, and would withdraw from all human contact. Bipolar was not a "thing" back then, but Sherman most certainly had it. His mood episodes lasted months at a time, and careened back and forth throughout this adult life. When he recovered sufficiently to return to duty, Sherman writes in his autobiography that he thought his military reputation was in shambles due to his past behavior and newspaper reports. He redeemed himself in 1862 at the Battle of Shiloh, committing acts of distinguished courage and bravery, riding back and forth in front of enemy cannons to keep his men from growing fearful. After Shiloh, he got his self-confidence back, and went on to further fame and military glory. His story is that despite failure, setbacks, and mental illnesses, there will always be a way for you to be better at something than anyone else. That could be cooking meals for 

family, raising kids, serving in the military, being a nurse, doctor or salesman, a teacher, police officer or a volunteer. Mental illness does not mean you are a failure.

Ulysses S. Grant

"The vice of intemperance had not a little to do with my resignation."

Ulysses S. Grant struggled from job to job, just like his good friend William T. Sherman. Grant was a quiet person, and someone who had strong moral qualms about slavery and the treatment of American Indians. He inherited a slave from his father-in-law, whom he freed instead of selling him even thought Grant and his family were poor and near starvation. He lamented about the treatment of American Indians, saying that whites had been cruel to them. He also struggled with an addiction to alcohol. He was forced to resign from the U.S. Army in 1858 due to several run-ins with superiors while intoxicated. Some say that he didn't drink any more than the average man, but he was small and therefore was easily intoxicated. Rumors followed him throughout his life about his drunkeness, which bothered him. However, he provided the fuel for the rumors, even going on a multi-day bender in 1863. Despite this, his military strategy, common sense, bravery and determination led him to become the top military commander in the United States during the Civil War. Afterwards, he would be elected President. Addiction does not mean you are a failure. It can stand in the way of success, as Grant found out during his mid-30s. But he seemed to have enough of a handle on his tendency to drink, even appointing an aide-de-camp whose responsibility it was to help him stay sober during the war. This shows a high level of awareness of his own weakness on Grant's part. Despite his past failures and predisposition to drink, Grant is one of the best-known figures in American history. 

Next post I'll be talking about Lincoln and his wife. Those of us with mental illness are in good company. 

Long, Rambling Post About School and Randomness

Ok so *notice* I am kinda scattered right now, sorry in advance. I am on Sertraline (Zoloft), which has helped a lot with my anxiety and panic attacks. The downside is that my creativity starts to go. I still have anxiety and panic, but it is less than about two months ago. My urge to write has been in the shitter lately, most likely due to the numbing-out effects anti-depressants have on me. (Sorry if I jump around on here like a maniac. I am having trouble holding thoughts together.)

School!!! My simultaneous love and hate relationship.

I am still freaking out about school. I am switching my major and I am constantly second-guessing myself. Long story short Ok just long story, I was going to aim for being an early childhood educator. However, after two teaching practicums, coursework, and researching job availability and pay rates, I A) don't think I could make enough in my area teaching that age group (rates are about $7.75-$10 an hour...ridiculous) and B) I find I don't really have the passion for "early childhood." I have discovered I much prefer teaching older students, such as high school or even college-level (at some point in the future). Pay for high school teachers is about $40,000 to start in my area. Like, I am going to have a $40,000 Bachelor's degree from a good university, plus all the licensing and certification and I will basically be making mortgage-level payments on student loans. $40,000/year is like, my MINIMUM I have to make when I am done with school. $40,000/year is not great, but it would be enough to pay back my student loan payments and help contribute to my family's finances as we are primarily supported by my husband. I also have to decide how to go about getting licensed to teach. The traditional route is to do student-teaching as part of your undergrad degree. This is for people who know that they want to teach as soon as they go to college. That's not me. I've switched my major like, 3 times (also not recommended, but whatever). An alternative route is to get your degree in a content area (in my case, I am a history nerd and would like to major in History), then complete a certification course while substitute teaching. After 60 hours of substitute teaching, I would have to pass a series of teaching exams with a certain score, then apply for a teaching license. Another option would be for me to go onto my Master of Arts in Teaching degree. However, I feel like this is a sympathy degree path for people like me. It's the "I-majored-in-something-I-don't-like-and-now-want-to-teach" degree. It's not really a Master's degree as Master's degrees are typically considered. It is simply a degree platform in which you have a Bachelor's in [whatever], and you get the certification while taking education classes. To me this feels like a fraud degree. It's totally acceptable to teach and it would financially be the best option for me. But if I get a Master's degree, I want it to be because I MASTERED it, not because I am switching careers mid-stream. I want to EARN my credentials. When someone asks me, "Oh, what's your Master's in?" I don't want to reply "well, it's a Master of Arts in Teaching." The requisite response to that is "oh." Whereas, if I were to get my undergrad degree in History, then go onto get my Master's in History, that would be legitimate, and I would not feel self-conscious about it.

As usual,  I don't (or can't, or perhaps even won't) take the traditional, easy route. I have decided that long-term, it would be better for me to switch my current degree from Interdisciplinary Studies to History. Once I complete my undergrad in History, I can work on my Master's. I will be able to be a sub at this point and practice taking my exams while earning teaching experience through subbing. My rationale for this is that most high schools and colleges in my area that are currently hiring want degrees in content areas like History, Writing, or Math as opposed to general education degrees. They want subject-matter experts. If I hope to teach at a secondary or post-secondary level, I will need to get my Master's and eventually a Ph.D. in a content area.

I begrudgingly pull up my adviser's email.

Dear Ben So-and-so at blahblahblah.edu,

[Writes long email about soul-searching]

Oh for fuck's sake.

*deletes it all*

I am going to switch to History. I feel this is what I want to do.

- Me

Response from Ben so-and-so at blahblahblah.edu,

Ok, are you sure? You won't be licensed through the school, which is completely fine but it will be up to you to find and complete licensure once you graduate.

Ben

I stare at the email. AM I sure? No, not really. But I talked myself out of majoring in History because I listened to other people my entire life, and not myself.

I have always done what everyone *thinks* I should do, possibly because of massive self-doubt. I have always wanted to major in History because I love it, but was generally told by a myriad of people close to me that I would never find a job with a fucking liberal arts degree. I let people scare me away from my true passion (in regards to studying/learning/hobbies). I majored in Business instead, and got my Associate's in Business even though I could not care less about business. 

In fact, the more I ruminate on this, the more I realize that I probably dropped out of school 10 years ago to begin with because I wasn't interested in it. I wasn't interested in Business. When I went back to school early last year, I didn't switch to a History major with a minor in Business, as I should have done.

Well, fuck.

At least I learned what I don't want to do. Life, right?

I allowed myself to take a 400-level American History course this semester as a self-treat for my 4.0 GPA. I loved it so much, I couldn't simply go back to something else.

FUCK!

And so it goes. But I'm in it now. I told myself that this is the absolute Last Time Changing My Degree Ever.

Ok, now that I've had basically blogging diarrhea on school, I'll attempt to list out the rest of my topics.

1. Tomorrow is Visit #3 to OCD specialist. I feel that Exposure Therapy is going to benefit me most in the long run. I am in for a long time most likely because I have let my OCD run untreated for my whole life up until now. A current example of my therapy: I am afraid of doing things after 8pm because of a laundry list of imagined troubles. My therapy homework is to do something after 8pm that stresses me out...every.goddamn.night. That used (five weeks ago) to include showers, reading a book, watching a TV show, or anything like that. I have successfully cut my anxiety about that in half, which is the goal of my therapist. The next step is to do things like drive at night, drive after 8pm, and so on. I am having panic attacks tonight thinking about going to counseling. I just know that she is going to have me "level up" and start driving at night. That's the only way to beat OCD. It's to re-train your brain and re-learn life. SHIT.

2. Anti-depressants are working on anxiety. I have also start Irwin Naturals Stress Defy vitamins (yes, I know the risk of Seratonin syndrome, but it's rare and I can't possibly have enough seratonin or GABA in my brain yet). I am also taking an herbal supplement at night with Irwin Naturals Power to Sleep PM (yes, I know I shouldn't be taking herbals with prescriptions. I don't care. I am desperate enough right now not to care.)

3. I have been sleeping a WHOLE LOT BETTER.

4. I have been deepening my meditation and exploring Reiki (on myself, as a form of meditation, as you are laughing and mocking me).

5. I bought worry stones and at night when I start freaking out I meditate, and fiddle with worry stones in both of my hands. It keeps me occupied until I fall asleep. It was cheaper to buy two "worry stones" at a local new age shop than buying a fidget cube, or whatever it's called.

6. I have been watching "Charmed" while falling asleep. It's a guilty pleasure. It makes me think of fonder times of when I was a kid in the 90s, and not a mental-illness-ridden adult. I was still riddled with mental illness, but I had a few good years in there pre-medication.

7. I've been watching TV while falling asleep. It makes me less anxious than laying down in the dark by myself. My husband works nights and often 7 nights a week, so I sleep in our guest bedroom. He takes the master because he frankly needs the physical rest more than I do and he is a big guy who needs our big bed. Plus our guest room is tiny, and it makes me feel safe. I don't know why a tiny room makes me feel safe. I know it's not "good sleep hygiene"to watch TV but fuck it. It helps me, so.

8. Xanax and Ambien aren't working for me as well as they used to, almost 6 years ago. I am going to eventually have to stop taking them. I just can't go off anything right now because I am too damned stressed. Even though I am doing better, I still feel like a coin spinning. My therapist wants me to wait to taper off meds. She said I still need a lot of therapy before thinking about coming off of sedatives. Somehow, I would like to eventually just be on anti-depressants and occasional OTC sedatives like Benadryl. I would like to not be fat again. I would like to not have a pile of pills to take every night. I worry that I will have to go to some type of medical detox because I take so many heavy psychiatric medications that lose effectiveness the longer I take them.

The End. Sorry for the dissertation-length post.

PS- I read Mugwort tea helps with anxiety, so I made some in a misguided attempt at self-medicating "naturally." It aborted a panic attack  I having, but then I got super dizzy and foggy and spaced out for about 4 hours. It was not fun. Don't ever try it.

Bipolar Anxiety/Depression

I looked in the mirror this morning and finally admitted it to myself:

I have not been well since last fall.

Really crippling anxiety and OCD have tag-teamed me into depression. I am taking steps to recover by going to a group of therapists who specialize in OCD and anxiety; I am talking to my psychiatrist via his office's client email form in order to adjust medications; I am meditating; I am walking outside in the sunshine every day, I am eating healthier than previously, I am taking enough tranquilizers to put down a small elephant.

I am still barely able to stand it. It got so bad that I pleaded with my psychiatrist for an anti-depressant. He knows I don't ask for one unless I really need it due to the possibility for bipolar mania. He called me in a script for Zoloft. I have the bottle sitting on top of my coffee maker so I don't forget it in the mornings. Coffee-and-Zoloft mornings this week...mania be damned, I don't care right now. I don't want to feel this anxious, this upset and overwrought 24-7. I am doing everything right. It's so frustrating when that doesn't work.

I am still working part-time and going to school full-time. Thankfully, work has been slow and pressure and hours are low. I don't mind the tighter budget when that happens right now. School ends in May so I will have less stress and more time to practice self-care.

All I want is to be less anxious. Just less anxious, not even cured from anxiety. My OCD checking is back, and I either give into it or suffer through the abstaining. Intrusive thoughts frustrate me and send my panic attacks into high gear.

Zoloft will eventually kick in, and I will eventually be in a better mood. I will eventually have less anxious thoughts and the OCD will retreat somewhat.

For now, I wait. I am tormented by my mind, but I know it will pass.

Don't Really Have Much to Write

My anxiety and OCD are throttling me, and I am barely keeping my head above water. I feel myself slipping into depression, which is scary.

I saw a counselor who specializes in anxiety and OCD this past week, and I have follow-up appointments with her in 3 weeks (She was booked solid until then). My anti-anxiety meds are not working currently, and my emergency sleeping pill stash is not working anymore. I am zombie today, but at least I managed to get through work. Now I need to take 2 exams for school.

I dropped out of the sky like a lead balloon yesterday. I've asked my psychiatrist to call me back, and I've requested to be put back on anti-depressants, despite the risk of a manic episode. I've also asked for a different anti-anxiety medication because I'm just used to taking Xanax, and it doesn't do a think for me anymore. I also asked for a different sleeping medication because I am apparently immune to Ambien after having taken it on and off for so long. It only works 2 or 3 days in a row before becoming worthless.

I'll write more when I'm feeling better.

Off to see the Anxiety/OCD Wizard!

My anxiety has been so off the charts lately that I've been questioning the level of treatment I am getting at my current psychiatrist's office (where I also see a counselor). My fear of change has kept me from seeing another mental health professional because I feel like I'm betraying my doctor and counselor.

But the truth of it is, I've been doubting my current treatments. My anxiety is off the charts. When I say "anxiety" to my current psychiatrist, he ups my dose of benzos. I hate taking benzos on a daily basis. I've gone back on sleeping pills this week just to take the edge off and get some rest. They worked for a few days, and stopped working again last night. I have a huge med hangover this morning. I had to pop half a Depakote at 11 last night to fall asleep.

I feel like a mess. My current doctor hasn't really taken my concerns about weight gain on anti-psychotics seriously, and he doesn't want to put me on an anti-depressant for OCD and anxiety. I get that because I'm bipolar, but I could really use some help in the anxiety-OCD department.

I did some research on specialists in anxiety disorders and OCD. I live in a small city with top universities, and I figured one of them has got to have some type of mental health branch.

I was right.

I found a university with an OCD-Anxiety clinic. I was floored. I checked out the website, and that is literally all they deal with (also will work with co-morbid conditions like bipolar). It took me several days to get up the courage to make a phone call. The receptionist was very nice. She asked me why I was calling. I told her anxiety and OCD have taken over my life the past few months, and that I needed more help than I was getting from my current mental health team. We agreed on an appointment time, which is this afternoon at 2:30. I have to drive an hour away, but I know it's worth it. When I get there, the receptionist told me to be prepared to be evaluated for an hour before my actual session starts. That includes paperwork and a meeting with some type of professional. Then, once I get past the gatekeeper (as I like to call it), I get to meet the specialist.

I am looking forward to this meeting. I have gotten to the point where I am tired of my anxiety and OCD kicking my ass. My current psychiatrist and counselor hear "manic" when I talk of anxiety. They focus on my racing thoughts, nervous energy...to them, everything I have is bipolar disorder. I disagree. I have been diagnosed with GAD and panic disorder as well, but they seem not to focus on that too much.

Honestly, anxiety and OCD are my most distressing problems. I can deal with my mood swings. I have family that helps me monitor my moods and provide me with feedback. I keep a mood tracker. I am on mood stabilizers.

Hopefully, this OCD-anxiety specialist hears "anxiety" and "OCD" and doesn't stop listening once she reads I have Bipolar Disorder. Not everything I go through is Bipolar-related.

I am optimistic; I will post an update later about the meeting.

Time to Get Raw About OCD

If you follow me on Twitter (@mindmyst), you know I have been diagnosed with multiple mental illnesses: Bipolar 1, OCD, Panic Disorder, Generalized Anxiety, etc. Out of all of these, in my opinion, OCD has been the hardest for me (right now and over the past 1.5 years) as far as living day-to-day. I still have issues with my Bipolar Disorder, but I have not been hospitalized for 5.5 years and can generally tell when an episode is occurring, catch it early, and nip it in the bud with the help of my psychiatrist.

OCD provides no such warning, much like my panic attacks. They have been occurring together nowadays, a nasty little coupling of tormenting thoughts and sensations. Since it's been on my mind, I wanted to do a raw blog post about OCD and tormenting thoughts that I have personally experienced. A lot of OCD revolves around intrusive thoughts: thoughts that come unwanted into your mind and generally have disturbing images with them.

Such as:

When I was 7, I had intrusive thoughts about killing myself with a knife. I avoided going into the kitchen and avoided sharp objects.

When I was approximately 9 years old, I was afraid was I going to go crazy and kill my mom in her sleep. I would try to stay awake all night praying so that I wouldn't sleepwalk and go stab my mom. I went through our house and hid all the knives in high cupboards that I wouldn't be able to reach without a stool. I figured if I was sleep walking I wouldn't be able to figure out how to use a stool to get the knives to kill my mom.

When I was a pre-teen, I volunteered in the church nursery on Sunday evenings in the infant room. I had horrible intrusive thoughts that asked, "What if I'm a child molester subconsciously, and I go insane and hurt these babies?" I quit volunteering in the nursery.

When I was a teen, I would babysit. I would have intrusive thoughts that I would subconsciously hurt the kids, or accidentally start a fire. I quit babysitting.

When I was in high school, public restrooms were huge contamination factor for me. I also obsessed over my appearance, clothing etc, having to shower a certain way, wash my hair a certain way, check my appearance three times throughout the day. If I didn't do these rituals, something bad would happen and I would be humiliated in school. I would also spend a great deal of time driving and back-tracking because I was afraid I had hit an animal or a child with my car, and I would have to check to make sure I hadn't. I would also drive back and forth from school to check the front door to make sure I locked it, sometimes multiple times over periods of hours. I also had to say a prayer a certain way, and if I messed up, had to start over to "protect me" and my loved ones.

I started college and dropped out due to anxiety.

After I quit college, I began having to buy things in 3. Three was a lucky number to me and still is. I still buy things in threes or multiples of three sometimes. If I don't, something bad could happen. I don't even notice this compulsion sometimes. My husband will notice groceries in threes and mention it, whereas it is so common for me I don't realize I am doing it.

In my early 20s, I stopped watching shows with violence in them, or songs that were not perfectly pleasant and neutral. I was afraid I would be negatively influenced by them and then a "bad side" of me would take over and hurt people. For example, I love Law & Order, but I stopped watching it for several years just in case I went crazy, I didn't want to have many great ideas.

Mid-20s were spent dealing with Bipolar Disorder, hospitalization, etc.

Present day, early thirties. I am afraid of going to bed after 9:46 pm. If I go to bed later, I will not be able to sleep and then I'll hit someone with my car the next day. If I listen to upbeat music or watch an entertaining show after 6 pm, I will be too stimulated to sleep. So I make myself just sit there alone away from everyone else. If I read an interesting book after 6 pm, same thing. I can't eat after 6 pm, or I will have trouble falling asleep. I get anxious as the sun goes down. I start compulsive rituals such as taking a lot of melatonin, drinking sleepytime tea, checking and rechecking alarms. I can't sleep with anyone in the same room as me right now. It makes me want to vomit, it makes me so anxious.

I also have a weird thing with alarm clocks. I want to buy a lot of them so I am sure I will wake up on time. It's really hard not to give into this compulsion.

Now, someone without OCD will read this and think WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?! You're crazy! You're insane! That's so bizarre/weird/messed up etc.

Yes. And we (OCD sufferers) feel horrible about having these intrusive thoughts. So we begin avoidance or compulsion behaviors to compensate.

In the case of being a pre-teen, I simply stopped volunteering at the church nursery. I had to go to church since my mom worked in one, so I elected to sit in with the adults in the sermon, thinking that I was evil and disgusting and should be in the sermons anyway. Or I stopped something else like babysitting, getting a job working with animals instead. Or I stopped listening to music I like or watching TV shows I like, because I was afraid of negative effects on me. Or I just stop living and enjoying my life, afraid I'm not going to be able to function; afraid of hurting someone or something; afraid of losing control and doing something horrible...

That's OCD. Right now, it's an anaconda around my neck, choking me tighter each time I let out a breath and try to struggle.

And it comes out of freaking nowhere!

In my city, there are quite a few top universities, and one of them has an OCD clinic. I am on the waitlist to see a counselor who specializes in OCD and anxiety. I am hoping that will provide me with some relief.

When Family Doesn't Understand Mental Illness

It's happened to every single person with a mental illness. There will inevitably be some point in your life that your family (or friends, if you don't have family members around) will not understand your mental illness. It rarely happens to me, because I am freakishly lucky with my family members. My husband is very supportive of me. There are still times, though, where he does not understand. I don't think it's possible for him to understand the inner fucked up working of my mind.

The past couple of days, I've watched as my sleep got worse and worse, and my anxiety surged forth and my OCD became front and center after weeks of it improving. My mood has started to change too -- from feeling weepy to hyper and back down again.

That's not good.

Last night was difficult. I had panic attacks all day, and we went to visit some family who lives about an hour away. As night fell, my OCD began to kick in. I have a weird thing that if I'm not in bed by 9:46 pm, I won't be able to fall asleep and my day will be ruined. We got home at about that time and I had a total meltdown, crying and upset. Now, I have already been having trouble sleeping, but able to function during the day with no problem. But for some reason, yesterday was really, really difficult.

My OCD/Anxiety demon has also really messed with me the past 2 days. I have a fear of sleeping with other people in the same room with me right now. I have been sleeping alone in the spare bedroom for the past 4 months. My husband got a bit irritated with me last night, asking why I wasn't sleeping with him in our master bedroom yet. I told him about the problems I am having with anxiety about sleeping with other people. It's weird and it's not logical and I don't like it. He became frustrated with me and tried to explain how illogical that was. I know it's illogical and weird, but I don't pick what my anxiety or OCD or Bipolar fixates on. For several years I couldn't use public restrooms for fear of contamination, and I could not use them if someone was in the bathroom with me, even if I had to go really bad. That went away when I was about 20.

It got so bad last night that I took a sleeping pill from an old prescription for the first time in four months, which makes me feel like a failure. But it knocked me out cold despite my panic and anxiety and obsessive thoughts. I emailed my psychiatrist and asked him if I could go back on sleeping pills. This constant battle at night to sleep is starting to wear on me. I was able to sleep while on Depakote, but had to discontinue due to side effects. I can't increase my Seroquel any more because that too causes weight gain, blood sugar issues, cholesterol issues...all of which I am trying to overcome right now. Xanax does nothing for me anymore as I believe I am immune to it after all these years of taking it on a nearly daily basis.

It upset me last night, though, when my husband told me I wasn't trying hard enough to overcome my OCD anxiety about sleeping at a certain time, and about sleeping with someone else in the room with me. I tried explaining that my OCD is not rational. It is illogical and silly. But it really fucking hard to deal with and I am doing the best I can. He didn't seem to think that. I went to bed while he silently played video games. I woke up and he is doing the same thing (He's been off work the past 2 days, not like he's a bum or something). I know exposure therapy is good for this kind of stuff, but I have a lot on my plate right now like school full-time, work part-time, and then trying to do the cooking and cleaning and taking care of our daughter. I feel too tired right now to fight more.

It was a huge, hurtful blow to hear from someone I trust so completely that I am unwilling to recover, I am coddling myself, I am not trying hard enough, I don't want to fight the OCD as hard as I need to, that it's basically all my fault. That's what I was told last night by my husband, and it was awfully hard to bear it. I sat in the guest bedroom and cried and wrote down how awful I felt.

I don't blame him for it. He can't understand what I am going through. He is a normal person without mental illness. He is mentally very sound and strong. I know it's hard for him sometimes when I am struggling. There is no quick fix or even a fix for what we with mental illness go through. It's bound to splash over onto our family members who are trying very hard to support. us. I hate myself for that, that it affects our family. We were planning a spring break trip to the Great Lakes, but I am so overwrought with OCD that I can't even think about sleeping in a hotel room with my husband and daughter. How fucked up is that? My OCD is ready to ruin a nice vacation that will make nice memories. I told my husband I didn't know if I could go, which is what set off this issue. I don't know. I don't know if I will be able to go.

I know this all due to my mental illness. Bipolar moods are swinging right now in the wind, and my OCD has me in a death grip all of a sudden. I know it'll improve. I am just not feeling well right now.

Side Effects of Bipolar Meds!

Many diagnosed Bipolar patients such as myself take multiple drugs to manage our disorder. While modern medicine has created drugs that help stabilize our moods, these drugs have a myriad of side effects, some really strange. I am going to talk about mood stabilizers I've tried and their side effects and mention some of the problems I've had with them.

Seroquel

I've had a great experience with this drug as far as stabilizing my mood. I've experienced weight gain over the past 5-6 years on it, but it's been manageable with diet and exercise. It helps me sleep, and I don't have that zombie feeling that many complain about.

Depakote

Depakote has been great in slowing down my manic and hypomanic states. However, in my latest go-around with Depakote, I gained 30 lbs in 3.5 months despite vigorous exercise and eating well. The weight gain has brought on a whole host of problems such as high blood sugar, high blood pressure, and high cholesterol. My GP is the one who yanked me off Depakote ASAP, while my PDOC wanted to give it some more time. Ultimately, I sided with my GP that there were other avenues worth exploring, and that Depakote was ruining my body. I am cutting my dosage in half each week. I have 6 more days before I am off of Depakote completely.

Lamictal

Lamictal is apparently a very popular Bipolar drug. I took it for a year and saw no improvements or differences to my cycling moods, and my hands started to have involuntary tremors at a high dose. I quickly tapered off of this med for that reason.

Gabapentin

Gabapentin is now being used in the psychiatric setting as both a sedative and a mood stabilizer, according to my psychiatrist. The primary reason I started Gabapentin last week was to take the place of Depakote's sedating effects. I am on a fairly low dose now (200mg) and I have not experienced any side effects in the past week. I'll have to give this one more time, though.

Abilify

I took Abilify for about 6 months, and it made me so depressed and suicidal I was almost hospitalized. I gave it that long for it to "kick in," but it turns out that it was already "kicked in" and kicking my ass. So that one's out.

I haven't tried Lithium or Risperdal. My psychiatrist doesn't like Lithium due to the potential for toxicity. I know people online who have taken Risperdal and gained a ton of weight, so that's out for me.

As a goal, I'd eventually like to be taking as low a dose of an atypical mood stabilizer as possible. Feel free to leave a comment if you've taken any of these drugs and experienced side side effects.

Katelyn Nichole Davis Lost Her Battle Part 2

I have received a phenomenal amount of views on my first post about how Katelyn Nicole Davis lost her battle to mental illness. I'm currently #4 on Google search for her name. I've read some more things about her life, and I wanted to write about them today.

 Here's the video I watched for this post. It is hard to glean the entirety of her family situation based on a Youtube video, but some disturbing things come to light about Katelyn Nicole Davis' family life.

It seems there are a lot more facts coming out that are really, really hard to fathom. Some of the things I am reading on the Facebook page Justice for Katelyn Nicole Davis. I can't confirm any of the allegations against her mom and stepdad and her boyfriend, but it seems that she had a horrid family life. She accused her stepfather of molesting her on one of her blogs. Watching some of her videos (where she secretly recorded fights with her mother), it's clear that she had very little support from her mom. Fights between adolescents and their parents are common, but hearing Katelyn's mom scream things like, "Katie, shut your goddamn mouth!" and "I can't wait until you're 18 and move out!" makes it pretty clear that their relationship was volatile. In the same video, she accuses her mom of prostituting herself out for pain medication. I don't know if those things are true or not. Furthermore, in the same video, Katelyn tells her mom that her boyfriend told her he had murdered someone, and Katelyn's mother responds, "It ain't my problem, don't take it out on me." Another chilling fact in that video is when Katelyn tells her mother that she was violated by her stepdad, and her mom says "I know, but is he here?" as if that makes it ok. Katelyn's mother also responds to her two smaller children as "my children," excluding Katelyn, as if Katelyn is not her child.

What can I say to that? Nothing. There is nothing that I can say to that except Katelyn was a very troubled child who lived in a ramshackle home with a ramshackle family. Many of these videos were recorded close to Katelyn's suicide, and I have no doubt that the video I linked to above had something to do with it. I can't imagine being 12 and having my mom scream profanities at me.

Another thing I can't quite understand is that no one watching the livestream contacted the authorities, except for one lone police officer in California who just happened to come across it and phone the department where Katelyn lived in Georgia. It seems Katelyn Nicole Davis had no advocates, which is stunning to me. I wonder how many other Katelyns are out there, struggling with a mental illness and a disturbing family with no hope and no recourse.

RIP Katelyn.

Ruminations

Ruminations are something I've been doing my whole life, but I've never had a clinical term for them, or had any knowledge that they are related to mental illness. I've only recently heard the term "rumination" in regards to mental illness.  It's essentially obsessive thinking over negative issues, or issues that cannot or do not have a knowable solution.

For example, I often ruminate on the existence or non-existence of a "god" or whatever you want to call it, and it makes me very anxious and depressed. Logically, in my own opinion, there is likely not a god. Yet I still ruminate over it. You can't prove the existence of god to me (most of it is based on ancient texts translated ad infinitum anyways, or personal "feelings" not data), but you can't disprove a god because there is no concrete data for it. Therefore, it is unknowable, which I guess technically makes me agnostic. And I am already going down the rumination slide in this paragraph, so I'll stop writing about this one.

Another rumination I tend to get stuck on is death, and what it will be like and how it will happen. That is an unknowable thing, unless you commit suicide, and that only takes care of the how and when. You still won't know what death actually is like until you've died, and then it's no good because you can't tell anyone about it. So, Death death death. All day long it bounces around the inside of my 3 pound blob over my shoulders. It's not really an anxiety-causing issue, it's more of an annoyance. It's like a morbid song you can't get out of your head. Loads of people have died just fine before me, so I assume I'll do it just like everyone else (also planning on donating my body for science as a side fact).

I also tend to ruminate over how I feel physically. This is probably the most anxiety-producing one apart from the is-there-a-god question. Am I too tired today? Am I not tired enough? Why did my eye lid twitch? And then it spirals into weeks-long depressive thinking on weird sensations I have. I can't stop thinking about strange sensations or I get fixated on little things. Then I sit and think and think and dwell on them, and I become encased in this chaotic-depressive-gerbil-wheel mess and I get anxious and depressed. Mindfulness has helped me on this one, because I am learning to see the small thoughts that lead to fixations that lead to ruminations, and let those thoughts kind of float by without giving into them.

So, why does ruminating happen in our noodles?

Maybe it's problem-solving gone awry.

It's likely related to OCD. Or anxiety.

Perhaps it's an overactive imagination running away with our minds.

It's linked to depression.

If you have trouble "letting things go," or getting thoughts to go away, or getting stuck or fixated in a thought pattern that causes you stress, anxiety, or depression, perhaps you are suffering from ruminations, and maybe it's time to call a qualified mental health professional to help sort things out. As for me, I believe it's probably related to my OCD, which essentially is the fear of uncertainty.

The Might Writing Challenge: January

Here's the raw version of my second article published on the Mighty, which you can read here.

How I Hide the Side Effects of My Bipolar Medication Through the Day

Boring. Forgetful. Odd. 

These are some of the labels I encounter daily due to the side effects if my Bipolar medication. I don't push back against those labels because I do my best to hide my Bipolar Disorder and the side effects of medications throughout the day. I hide it most from strangers and co-workers,and I do still try very hard to hide it from my family and closest friends. It's a tricky business.

Waking up in the morning is an ordeal when you have a mental illness like Bipolar Disorder, and the side effects of medications to treat it are difficult to hide. The anti-psychotics I take make me extremely groggy. I have a tendency to stumble through multiple alarms. I also have to go to bed early so I get enough rest to function the next day. This starts people asking me, "Hey, I texted you last night at 9, but you didn't respond." When I tell them I go to bed around then, they look shocked. "You really go to bed that early? Wow, you're an old person!" they joke. I give a crooked a smile and laugh along with them. It's easier to take the teasing than explain that if I don't go to bed early, the anti-psychotics will make me too tired to get up the next morning. People see me as a boring, anti-social person when in reality I am exactly the opposite. 

Another side effect of Bipolar medications is grogginess that lasts into the workday, and it can affect my memory. I often forget conversations I've had or commitments I've made. I've learned to keep a cheap planner on me to help, but co-workers and bosses usually tease or sometimes criticize me for my perceived flightiness. I get strange looks from bosses and co-workers. I even had a boss tell me that I was such a hard, focused worker that she found my forgetful spells quite odd. I shrugged and awkwardly laughed.I can tell by the way they treat me that they think I'm a bit odd.

I don't attend work social functions or many social functions at all because I have learned that most contain alcohol, which I avoid due to the medications I take. I found that I get teased at the bar or restaurant when I am the only one abstaining from drinking. I get asked if I'm super religious, or teased about being a goody two-shoes. I love a great pina colada as much as the next girl, but alcohol is strictly a no-go with the medications I'm on. I also have to watch my weight as anti-psychotics help pack on pounds. Eating out is something I try to avoid. If I'm in a group outing with people who don't know about my Bipolar disorder, I quickly am singled out as being the least fun of the group. "A salad and water?" they asked, shocked as they dig into gooey nachos.  "You can't not try this chocolate cake," they tease. Refusing and refusing quickly makes me an outcast, and the invitations to social functions cease.

It's sometimes easier to be quickly judged and classified as quirky or dull than it is to try to explain what's behind all of it. After all, I'm not going to change because of the labels. If I stopped taking my Bipolar medications, well, that's a whole different story that comes along with its own labels that are much, much harder to hide in a normal day. So for now, I do the best I can to hide the side effects of the medications I must take for Bipolar Disorder. 

We all do our best to maintain what we think is a meaningful and productive life. Everyone struggles with one thing or another day-to-day; mine just happens to be doing my best to hide the side effects of my Bipolar medications during a normal day.

Bipolar Meds: Worth it?

I haven't been so well these past few days. I managed to weather the holidays fairly well, which was an accomplishment. But really extreme anxiety and OCD and depression is setting in. Right now, I'm taking Depakote, Seroquel and Xanax. I don't want to take any more Xanax because I already feel so doped up I can hardly function. I really, really want to request an extreme anti-depressant (which I know I won't get), and sleeping pills again. When Ambien worked for me, it was great. I got regular, stress-free sleep. It stopped working for me in October after five years. I am seriously considering asking for a different type of sleeping pill. The problem for me is that the Depakote and the Seroquel make me so damn groggy the next day, it's hard for me to function. Take into account that I couldn't fall asleep until 12:30am last night and had to get up at 6:30 to work, these meds are largely not working for me. I was so out of it driving today that I had to drink an energy drink and two cups of coffee to get going. I still had trouble at work with focusing. I got lost driving from client to client several times. Then I get depressed. The anxiety is almost overwhelming. What am I to do? Keep trying medication combinations. Combine all of this with the insane amount of weight I've gained on these medications. I don't know. Not a very uplifting post, but it's how I'm doing at the moment.

Katelyn Nichole Davis Lost Her Battle

First, I would like to start off by saying that I didn't want to read much about Katelyn Davis's suicide, and I certainly didn't want to watch the video out of morbid curiosity. But as I was reading some of the wholly uninformed and sometimes-ignorant comments left under social media posts and news articles about it, the more I felt I had to speak up for her and others like her. Others like me, and others like you or like anyone who suffers from depression.

I wanted to write this blog post to clear up some of the common misconceptions people have about those who commit suicide. I list generic versions of some of the comments I have seen below articles written about Katelyn Davis. What I saw in those comments across the board and across sites was a total lack of understanding of people who suffer from mental illness, and those who die from it. Mental illness has an astonishingly high mortality rate, which we see with this lovely young girl who lost her battle with it a few days ago.

Comment #1: Suicide is a selfish act. You have to think about those around you.

Perhaps it is selfish in some way. I'm not really sure. Do we call someone selfish if they smoke cigarettes and refuse to quit? After all, smoking is guaranteed to have detrimental effects on your health. Lung cancer, heart issues (just to name a few) are all but 100% guaranteed when you smoke. Yet millions and millions smoke anyways, and no one seems to call them selfish about their slow self-destruction. Do we call someone who is obese and refuses to change their habits selfish? Obesity is a huge risk factor for early death, but we don't call them selfish.

When someone commits suicide, the part of their brain that reasons with them about what others will think or what their suicide will do to others around them is overruled by desperation, pain and depression. Their compassion for their loved ones is drowned out by their own brain, yelling at them inside their minds to end it all because there is no hope, and why prolong suffering? The people jumping out of the Twin Towers on 9/11 to certain deaths committed suicide, but we don't call them selfish. They chose to die in a fall rather than burn to death, because they had determined in their own minds that the fall would be less painful and quicker than burning in a fire. We don't call those folks selfish. Why do we constantly criticize people who lose their battle to mental illness, especially depression? This poor girl was suffering internally AND externally with bullying...we shouldn't criticize her for wanting out. She punched her ticket, and it's sad, but is it truly selfish?

Comment #2: So Sad, killing herself over a boy.

Ok, um, FALSE. A) We know she suffered from depression because she had a Youtube channel where she talks about it, and B) we also know she was being bullied by kids at school, who were calling her a whore and other profane things that she mentions in her suicide video. Sure, the boy that she mentions in her last video may have contributed to the emotional breakdown she suffered that ended up in her taking her own life, but depression killed this girl, not a broken relationship. The relationship or end of a relationship or the boy's rejection of her was most likely blown out of proportion in her 12 year-old brain which was already ravaged by depression. Depression takes things that normal people go through and magnifies it one thousand percent. Taking into the fact that she was also being brutally bullied, and she was just a kid. This was not a suicide JUST over a boy. There were many factors in play that contributed to her death.

Comment #3: She did it for attention. Why else would she livestream her suicide?

Oh, for Christ's sake people! I'm soooo sorry she didn't commit suicide in a manner you thought worthy. I begrudgingly watched the video after I read a comment like that because I wanted to see the facts for myself. It's a horrid video, but I was not really bothered too much by it because I was trying to be objective. As I watched it, it became very clear to me that it was a digital suicide note. That's all. I didn't sense she wanted attention at all. With today's technology age, kids are using phones and tablets and computers and social media to express themselves. She livestreamed it so she could probably reach her audience all at once as opposed to writing a bazillion letters or trying to communicate her feelings in an old-fashioned way. Anyways, if you watch the video, she is sobbing profusely and apologizing to everyone under the sun, even to her abusers at school who bullied her. She apologizes to others who have to see the video. It is full of raw, desperate emotion and regret as she goes through her list of people that she apologizes to as she stands on a ladder with a noose around her neck. Her profuse apologies and praying for God to forgive her for taking her own life because she can't see another way....That is not the action of someone who wants attention. That is the act of someone who is genuinely sorry and regretful about something they have done/are going to do.

Now, if we're looking at someone who commits suicide for attention, my cousin is a great example. Back in the 1960s (way before I was born), I had an older, distant cousin who would become angry that people in her life (i.e., her sister, in-laws, parents, etc) were not paying attention to her, and she would threaten suicide. Once everyone dropped everything to fawn over her, she would suddenly recover and be fine. One day, she got angry again, and did her hair and makeup, angrily phoned her sister that she was going to kill herself because no one ever paid her enough attention, and took a bunch of sleeping pills, arranging her hair around the pillows and dying in a dramatic pose on a motel bed. Now that's a selfish suicide, if there is such a distinction.

All of you people out there who rush to judgement over an issue like suicide and depression and you have no freaking clue about it, just keep your mouths shut, or ask questions. Don't pass judgement on Katelyn Davis and her manner of death. Of course, I along with every other person who has heard of this story wishes she was still alive and receiving help. But don't go after this poor girl because her mental illness killed her. Also, as a side note, bullying has got to stop. I don't know if our society is just growing meaner by the generation, but it's absolutely got to be brought under control.

Rest in peace, Katelyn Davis.

Intrusive Thoughts & OCD

If you have OCD like me, you have experienced intrusive thoughts, also known as aaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrggggggggghhhh. Intrusive thoughts are pretty much just that: random things that invade your mind and that can include some disturbing images or emotional reactions. I have been dealing a lot of with this lately.

Triggering content below, don't read on if you don't want to get into heavier stuff.

Most of my intrusive thoughts right now center on suicide and death (Disclaimer: you can have suicidal thoughts or ideations but NOT be actively suicidal, so don't freak out. I'm not going to kill myself. I am an old hand at this type of stuff). One of my main intrusive thoughts is that I am afraid I am going to lose control and commit suicide. Another intrusive thought I have is about dying and death. I have obsessive thoughts over aging and death. Every day lately death thoughts occupy my mind. I run on the treadmill at the gym, pounding away to music. Why am I running on a treadmill? My mind asks me. Because you are trying to be healthier so you DON'T DIE AS SOON, my mind blasts back. I take a multivitamin supplement. Why are you taking that? My brain asks me. Oh, that's right, TO AVOID DYING. Seatbelt goes on in the car, intrusive thoughts about mortality set in. I start counting my gray hairs, because it's my hair follicles slowly dying. I had a tooth pulled at the beginning of the year; another symbol I'm dying slowly. My daughter is getting ready to celebrate her 8th birthday. She is growing up, which means I am getting old and closer to dying. And on and on on and on. I can't seem to pull myself out of these morbid death obsessions. They occupy most of my mind these days.

I am considering making an appointment with my psychiatrist for an anti-depressant, but after just coming down from a hypo-manic phase, anti-depressants may not be an option. Therapy has been a little helpful, but it's expensive and I haven't been able to go regularly.

Now, there's another side of me, the logical side of me (which I call the Spock Me), that I am slowly learning to nurture and listen to as much as I can. The Spock Me looks at me and says: We all are mortal and going to die at some point. No ifs, ands or buts. No avoiding it. We may improve our health and therefore improve our experience on this earth in our bodies (sometimes), but eventually our bodies will give out. Besides, Spock Me points out, everyone has done it. There are loads of cemeteries full of people all over the world who have died just fine. Some were peaceful deaths, some violent, some young, some old, some healthy, some sick. Who knows. I am an Atheist, so I don't think there's anything after this. All those headstones are are rocks marking a story of someone who once lived and is now nothing. Oh, well, Spock Me says with a shrug. It is what it is.

Another intrusive thought I've been having is that I will not sleep well at night and cause an accident the next day and kill someone with my car, or miss an alarm and not take my daughter to school, or miss work and get fired. That leads to panic and anxiety about not sleeping, and well, you can see where that goes. I have been off of sleeping pills for several months now, and am relying on a mindfulness app called Calm and my normal bipolar medications to help me sleep at night. The intrusive thoughts are causing panic attacks, and it just becomes this vicious cycle. Depression has set in on me today. It's a lot to take in. I have had trouble falling asleep, then I snatch a few hours and wake up early and go work. Then I come home and fall asleep even when I'm trying not to, then my sleep gets fucked. Arg.

How do I manage? I'm not sure, really, if it's called "managing" as I feel I do it rather poorly. But some things I do when I am in the middle of OCD hell:

- listen to Spock Me and counter irrational thoughts with logic
- write in a journal or on here about what I'm going through
- seek support online from OCD resources specifically relating to obsessive/intrusive thoughts
- get on Twitter and read about others' experiences with OCD (it helps to know gobs and gobs of people out there are going through the exact same thing).
- try to maintain a healthy lifestyle (I'll get back to you on that, I've started about six weeks ago. I think it will take several months of working out and healthy living to see if I am having any effect on my mental health)

Here's a cool website I found specifically relating to OCD intrusive thoughts.

Another informative website on OCD is linked here. This one goes into detail on Ruminations, or Morbid/Metaphysical Obsessions.

2017

Welcome to 2017! 

The holidays have come to an end, and hopefully you have come out of it healthy and stable. I did  because I paid attention to self-care. I did not go anywhere other than work, home and the gym, and I managed my sleep schedule. I felt a little stressed a few days ago just in regards to family wanting to get together and getting those last few Christmas presents ready. Other than that, it was one of the better holiday seasons I have been through in regards to my mental health.

Are New Year's Resolutions Really Helpful?

I'm not a big believer in New Year's Resolutions because I feel like it sets us all up for failure. We make really ambitious goals and when we don't achieve them in the timeframe we have lined up in our minds, we feel like failures. New Year's Resolutions have caused a lot of negative self-talk for me in the past. That's why I don't really make them in the traditional sense. I use the beginning the New Year to re-evaluate what worked for me in the past year, and what didn't. I think of changes I can make for this upcoming year to make it a tad bit better or easier.

Intentions instead of Resolutions

My "resolutions" are more small intentions that I set. I prefer the word intention to resolution. A few of my intentions for 2017 are:

- continue to attend the gym regularly, at least 4 times a week. I am not setting a weight loss goal, just a goal to be in the gym.
- continue to see my psychiatrist and therapist regularly.
- continue to take my meds as prescribed.
- continue to manage my sleep schedule throughout the year. I have a tendency to change my sleep patterns when my daughter is not in school. This year, I want to keep on the same schedule even though it means going to bed early when the days are longer. This might make my autumn mood episodes less severe. It will be a good experiment.
- continue to monitor my cholesterol. My cholesterol and blood sugars are high, which could be from diet, or from anti-psychotics. I am having my labs tested every six months, and my GP has me on fish oil supplements along with a diet of no fried food. If that doesn't help things, it will be time to take me off Seroquel which is scary in and of itself.

Be Realistic

You might think those are a lot of "intentions" for 2017, but really, they are small and realistic steps that I will be taking. Resolutions tend to be grandiose and unattainable. Maybe you really do plan to lose 20 pounds this year, and good on you if you do so. You may have a resolution to find "the one" by dating people like mad. If you find your soulmate, then great. But frankly, these types of resolutions are one I see all over social media, and frankly I don't think they are realistic. Earn more money and make new friends are other common resolutions. My question is: if those really are your goals, shouldn't you be working on them throughout the year? If you look at my intentions list above, you'll see that a lot of mine begin with "continue," because it's something I've already been doing.

Weeding Out Problems from 2016

I like to look back at the previous year and find things that did not work out for me. One of those things was (once again) taking on too much at a job that was really far away, about a 40 minute commute. This is a pattern for me. I pick a part-time job with low stress that fits some of my needs, and then I tend to take on more and more for fear for saying "no." This past year, I was a pet-sitter for one family that had horses, dogs and cats. Originally, the job was supposed to be two days a a week while I went back to school. It morphed into 5-6 days a week while I frantically struggled to keep my grades up, and imploded when I came down with pneumonia in August and a nasty ear infection that caused me to have vertigo and be housebound for nearly 3 months. I still work for the family one morning a week, and occasionally if there's an emergency. Since they hired someone else while I was sick for 3 months, I started looking for another part-time job to supplement. I found a pet-sitting company just a few miles from my home, and I have started working there a few days a week. I set my work load limit at 20 hours per week. As I am a good employee, they have already asked me to take on extra work in my first two weeks. My initial reaction was to say "yes," but I paused and said  "no." No. no. no. I have to say no, or I will implode on this job, too. So my problem from 2016 and in years past was lack of no. 2017 is the year of No.

Recognizing the Positive from 2016 to Carry Forward Into 2017

I turned 31 in 2016, and man, did I feel the difference. I was not taking care of myself. I was (still am) overweight, I drank alcohol (not much but still not super healthy), I didn't work out, I tanned in UV booths, and I didn't go to the doctor for anything until I fell seriously ill with pneumonia which had ill effects lingering for 3 months. I figured that 2016 was the year I needed to start taking care of my body. I started working out at the gym and while I'm not losing tons of weight yet, I am getting toned and in better shape. I went in for my first annual physical and found that my cholesterol levels are horrible and my blood sugar is bad, both indicators for heart disease later in life. These could be due to the anti-psychotics I am taking, combined with my unhealthy lifestyle. So, I stopped alcohol completely, and am taking the multiple supplements my doctor recommended to me. I am attempting to eat better. I have stopped UV tanning completely. I am getting my blood checked 2x per year. I went to the dentist for the first time in 8 years in 2016 due to a phobia of dentists, and I got a tooth pulled and my last two cavities are scheduled to be fixed in 2 weeks. So I had positive momentum of taking care of myself in 2016 that I will take with me into 2017.

Hopefully, you are able to look back and see some positive from 2016, which seems like it was largely a bad year for everyone (at least, from my perspective). If not, maybe you'll be able to find out something to do differently for 2017 to change your luck.