Ruminations

Ruminations are something I've been doing my whole life, but I've never had a clinical term for them, or had any knowledge that they are related to mental illness. I've only recently heard the term "rumination" in regards to mental illness.  It's essentially obsessive thinking over negative issues, or issues that cannot or do not have a knowable solution.

For example, I often ruminate on the existence or non-existence of a "god" or whatever you want to call it, and it makes me very anxious and depressed. Logically, in my own opinion, there is likely not a god. Yet I still ruminate over it. You can't prove the existence of god to me (most of it is based on ancient texts translated ad infinitum anyways, or personal "feelings" not data), but you can't disprove a god because there is no concrete data for it. Therefore, it is unknowable, which I guess technically makes me agnostic. And I am already going down the rumination slide in this paragraph, so I'll stop writing about this one.

Another rumination I tend to get stuck on is death, and what it will be like and how it will happen. That is an unknowable thing, unless you commit suicide, and that only takes care of the how and when. You still won't know what death actually is like until you've died, and then it's no good because you can't tell anyone about it. So, Death death death. All day long it bounces around the inside of my 3 pound blob over my shoulders. It's not really an anxiety-causing issue, it's more of an annoyance. It's like a morbid song you can't get out of your head. Loads of people have died just fine before me, so I assume I'll do it just like everyone else (also planning on donating my body for science as a side fact).

I also tend to ruminate over how I feel physically. This is probably the most anxiety-producing one apart from the is-there-a-god question. Am I too tired today? Am I not tired enough? Why did my eye lid twitch? And then it spirals into weeks-long depressive thinking on weird sensations I have. I can't stop thinking about strange sensations or I get fixated on little things. Then I sit and think and think and dwell on them, and I become encased in this chaotic-depressive-gerbil-wheel mess and I get anxious and depressed. Mindfulness has helped me on this one, because I am learning to see the small thoughts that lead to fixations that lead to ruminations, and let those thoughts kind of float by without giving into them.

So, why does ruminating happen in our noodles?

Maybe it's problem-solving gone awry.

It's likely related to OCD. Or anxiety.

Perhaps it's an overactive imagination running away with our minds.

It's linked to depression.

If you have trouble "letting things go," or getting thoughts to go away, or getting stuck or fixated in a thought pattern that causes you stress, anxiety, or depression, perhaps you are suffering from ruminations, and maybe it's time to call a qualified mental health professional to help sort things out. As for me, I believe it's probably related to my OCD, which essentially is the fear of uncertainty.