Long, Rambling Post About School and Randomness

Ok so *notice* I am kinda scattered right now, sorry in advance. I am on Sertraline (Zoloft), which has helped a lot with my anxiety and panic attacks. The downside is that my creativity starts to go. I still have anxiety and panic, but it is less than about two months ago. My urge to write has been in the shitter lately, most likely due to the numbing-out effects anti-depressants have on me. (Sorry if I jump around on here like a maniac. I am having trouble holding thoughts together.)

School!!! My simultaneous love and hate relationship.

I am still freaking out about school. I am switching my major and I am constantly second-guessing myself. Long story short Ok just long story, I was going to aim for being an early childhood educator. However, after two teaching practicums, coursework, and researching job availability and pay rates, I A) don't think I could make enough in my area teaching that age group (rates are about $7.75-$10 an hour...ridiculous) and B) I find I don't really have the passion for "early childhood." I have discovered I much prefer teaching older students, such as high school or even college-level (at some point in the future). Pay for high school teachers is about $40,000 to start in my area. Like, I am going to have a $40,000 Bachelor's degree from a good university, plus all the licensing and certification and I will basically be making mortgage-level payments on student loans. $40,000/year is like, my MINIMUM I have to make when I am done with school. $40,000/year is not great, but it would be enough to pay back my student loan payments and help contribute to my family's finances as we are primarily supported by my husband. I also have to decide how to go about getting licensed to teach. The traditional route is to do student-teaching as part of your undergrad degree. This is for people who know that they want to teach as soon as they go to college. That's not me. I've switched my major like, 3 times (also not recommended, but whatever). An alternative route is to get your degree in a content area (in my case, I am a history nerd and would like to major in History), then complete a certification course while substitute teaching. After 60 hours of substitute teaching, I would have to pass a series of teaching exams with a certain score, then apply for a teaching license. Another option would be for me to go onto my Master of Arts in Teaching degree. However, I feel like this is a sympathy degree path for people like me. It's the "I-majored-in-something-I-don't-like-and-now-want-to-teach" degree. It's not really a Master's degree as Master's degrees are typically considered. It is simply a degree platform in which you have a Bachelor's in [whatever], and you get the certification while taking education classes. To me this feels like a fraud degree. It's totally acceptable to teach and it would financially be the best option for me. But if I get a Master's degree, I want it to be because I MASTERED it, not because I am switching careers mid-stream. I want to EARN my credentials. When someone asks me, "Oh, what's your Master's in?" I don't want to reply "well, it's a Master of Arts in Teaching." The requisite response to that is "oh." Whereas, if I were to get my undergrad degree in History, then go onto get my Master's in History, that would be legitimate, and I would not feel self-conscious about it.

As usual,  I don't (or can't, or perhaps even won't) take the traditional, easy route. I have decided that long-term, it would be better for me to switch my current degree from Interdisciplinary Studies to History. Once I complete my undergrad in History, I can work on my Master's. I will be able to be a sub at this point and practice taking my exams while earning teaching experience through subbing. My rationale for this is that most high schools and colleges in my area that are currently hiring want degrees in content areas like History, Writing, or Math as opposed to general education degrees. They want subject-matter experts. If I hope to teach at a secondary or post-secondary level, I will need to get my Master's and eventually a Ph.D. in a content area.

I begrudgingly pull up my adviser's email.

Dear Ben So-and-so at blahblahblah.edu,

[Writes long email about soul-searching]

Oh for fuck's sake.

*deletes it all*

I am going to switch to History. I feel this is what I want to do.

- Me

Response from Ben so-and-so at blahblahblah.edu,

Ok, are you sure? You won't be licensed through the school, which is completely fine but it will be up to you to find and complete licensure once you graduate.

Ben

I stare at the email. AM I sure? No, not really. But I talked myself out of majoring in History because I listened to other people my entire life, and not myself.

I have always done what everyone *thinks* I should do, possibly because of massive self-doubt. I have always wanted to major in History because I love it, but was generally told by a myriad of people close to me that I would never find a job with a fucking liberal arts degree. I let people scare me away from my true passion (in regards to studying/learning/hobbies). I majored in Business instead, and got my Associate's in Business even though I could not care less about business. 

In fact, the more I ruminate on this, the more I realize that I probably dropped out of school 10 years ago to begin with because I wasn't interested in it. I wasn't interested in Business. When I went back to school early last year, I didn't switch to a History major with a minor in Business, as I should have done.

Well, fuck.

At least I learned what I don't want to do. Life, right?

I allowed myself to take a 400-level American History course this semester as a self-treat for my 4.0 GPA. I loved it so much, I couldn't simply go back to something else.

FUCK!

And so it goes. But I'm in it now. I told myself that this is the absolute Last Time Changing My Degree Ever.

Ok, now that I've had basically blogging diarrhea on school, I'll attempt to list out the rest of my topics.

1. Tomorrow is Visit #3 to OCD specialist. I feel that Exposure Therapy is going to benefit me most in the long run. I am in for a long time most likely because I have let my OCD run untreated for my whole life up until now. A current example of my therapy: I am afraid of doing things after 8pm because of a laundry list of imagined troubles. My therapy homework is to do something after 8pm that stresses me out...every.goddamn.night. That used (five weeks ago) to include showers, reading a book, watching a TV show, or anything like that. I have successfully cut my anxiety about that in half, which is the goal of my therapist. The next step is to do things like drive at night, drive after 8pm, and so on. I am having panic attacks tonight thinking about going to counseling. I just know that she is going to have me "level up" and start driving at night. That's the only way to beat OCD. It's to re-train your brain and re-learn life. SHIT.

2. Anti-depressants are working on anxiety. I have also start Irwin Naturals Stress Defy vitamins (yes, I know the risk of Seratonin syndrome, but it's rare and I can't possibly have enough seratonin or GABA in my brain yet). I am also taking an herbal supplement at night with Irwin Naturals Power to Sleep PM (yes, I know I shouldn't be taking herbals with prescriptions. I don't care. I am desperate enough right now not to care.)

3. I have been sleeping a WHOLE LOT BETTER.

4. I have been deepening my meditation and exploring Reiki (on myself, as a form of meditation, as you are laughing and mocking me).

5. I bought worry stones and at night when I start freaking out I meditate, and fiddle with worry stones in both of my hands. It keeps me occupied until I fall asleep. It was cheaper to buy two "worry stones" at a local new age shop than buying a fidget cube, or whatever it's called.

6. I have been watching "Charmed" while falling asleep. It's a guilty pleasure. It makes me think of fonder times of when I was a kid in the 90s, and not a mental-illness-ridden adult. I was still riddled with mental illness, but I had a few good years in there pre-medication.

7. I've been watching TV while falling asleep. It makes me less anxious than laying down in the dark by myself. My husband works nights and often 7 nights a week, so I sleep in our guest bedroom. He takes the master because he frankly needs the physical rest more than I do and he is a big guy who needs our big bed. Plus our guest room is tiny, and it makes me feel safe. I don't know why a tiny room makes me feel safe. I know it's not "good sleep hygiene"to watch TV but fuck it. It helps me, so.

8. Xanax and Ambien aren't working for me as well as they used to, almost 6 years ago. I am going to eventually have to stop taking them. I just can't go off anything right now because I am too damned stressed. Even though I am doing better, I still feel like a coin spinning. My therapist wants me to wait to taper off meds. She said I still need a lot of therapy before thinking about coming off of sedatives. Somehow, I would like to eventually just be on anti-depressants and occasional OTC sedatives like Benadryl. I would like to not be fat again. I would like to not have a pile of pills to take every night. I worry that I will have to go to some type of medical detox because I take so many heavy psychiatric medications that lose effectiveness the longer I take them.

The End. Sorry for the dissertation-length post.

PS- I read Mugwort tea helps with anxiety, so I made some in a misguided attempt at self-medicating "naturally." It aborted a panic attack  I having, but then I got super dizzy and foggy and spaced out for about 4 hours. It was not fun. Don't ever try it.