It's happened to every single person with a mental illness. There will inevitably be some point in your life that your family (or friends, if you don't have family members around) will not understand your mental illness. It rarely happens to me, because I am freakishly lucky with my family members. My husband is very supportive of me. There are still times, though, where he does not understand. I don't think it's possible for him to understand the inner fucked up working of my mind.
The past couple of days, I've watched as my sleep got worse and worse, and my anxiety surged forth and my OCD became front and center after weeks of it improving. My mood has started to change too -- from feeling weepy to hyper and back down again.
That's not good.
Last night was difficult. I had panic attacks all day, and we went to visit some family who lives about an hour away. As night fell, my OCD began to kick in. I have a weird thing that if I'm not in bed by 9:46 pm, I won't be able to fall asleep and my day will be ruined. We got home at about that time and I had a total meltdown, crying and upset. Now, I have already been having trouble sleeping, but able to function during the day with no problem. But for some reason, yesterday was really, really difficult.
My OCD/Anxiety demon has also really messed with me the past 2 days. I have a fear of sleeping with other people in the same room with me right now. I have been sleeping alone in the spare bedroom for the past 4 months. My husband got a bit irritated with me last night, asking why I wasn't sleeping with him in our master bedroom yet. I told him about the problems I am having with anxiety about sleeping with other people. It's weird and it's not logical and I don't like it. He became frustrated with me and tried to explain how illogical that was. I know it's illogical and weird, but I don't pick what my anxiety or OCD or Bipolar fixates on. For several years I couldn't use public restrooms for fear of contamination, and I could not use them if someone was in the bathroom with me, even if I had to go really bad. That went away when I was about 20.
It got so bad last night that I took a sleeping pill from an old prescription for the first time in four months, which makes me feel like a failure. But it knocked me out cold despite my panic and anxiety and obsessive thoughts. I emailed my psychiatrist and asked him if I could go back on sleeping pills. This constant battle at night to sleep is starting to wear on me. I was able to sleep while on Depakote, but had to discontinue due to side effects. I can't increase my Seroquel any more because that too causes weight gain, blood sugar issues, cholesterol issues...all of which I am trying to overcome right now. Xanax does nothing for me anymore as I believe I am immune to it after all these years of taking it on a nearly daily basis.
It upset me last night, though, when my husband told me I wasn't trying hard enough to overcome my OCD anxiety about sleeping at a certain time, and about sleeping with someone else in the room with me. I tried explaining that my OCD is not rational. It is illogical and silly. But it really fucking hard to deal with and I am doing the best I can. He didn't seem to think that. I went to bed while he silently played video games. I woke up and he is doing the same thing (He's been off work the past 2 days, not like he's a bum or something). I know exposure therapy is good for this kind of stuff, but I have a lot on my plate right now like school full-time, work part-time, and then trying to do the cooking and cleaning and taking care of our daughter. I feel too tired right now to fight more.
It was a huge, hurtful blow to hear from someone I trust so completely that I am unwilling to recover, I am coddling myself, I am not trying hard enough, I don't want to fight the OCD as hard as I need to, that it's basically all my fault. That's what I was told last night by my husband, and it was awfully hard to bear it. I sat in the guest bedroom and cried and wrote down how awful I felt.
I don't blame him for it. He can't understand what I am going through. He is a normal person without mental illness. He is mentally very sound and strong. I know it's hard for him sometimes when I am struggling. There is no quick fix or even a fix for what we with mental illness go through. It's bound to splash over onto our family members who are trying very hard to support. us. I hate myself for that, that it affects our family. We were planning a spring break trip to the Great Lakes, but I am so overwrought with OCD that I can't even think about sleeping in a hotel room with my husband and daughter. How fucked up is that? My OCD is ready to ruin a nice vacation that will make nice memories. I told my husband I didn't know if I could go, which is what set off this issue. I don't know. I don't know if I will be able to go.
I know this all due to my mental illness. Bipolar moods are swinging right now in the wind, and my OCD has me in a death grip all of a sudden. I know it'll improve. I am just not feeling well right now.
No comments:
Post a Comment