Wednesday, February 8, 2017

Time to Get Raw About OCD

If you follow me on Twitter (@mindmyst), you know I have been diagnosed with multiple mental illnesses: Bipolar 1, OCD, Panic Disorder, Generalized Anxiety, etc. Out of all of these, in my opinion, OCD has been the hardest for me (right now and over the past 1.5 years) as far as living day-to-day. I still have issues with my Bipolar Disorder, but I have not been hospitalized for 5.5 years and can generally tell when an episode is occurring, catch it early, and nip it in the bud with the help of my psychiatrist.

OCD provides no such warning, much like my panic attacks. They have been occurring together nowadays, a nasty little coupling of tormenting thoughts and sensations. Since it's been on my mind, I wanted to do a raw blog post about OCD and tormenting thoughts that I have personally experienced. A lot of OCD revolves around intrusive thoughts: thoughts that come unwanted into your mind and generally have disturbing images with them.

Such as:

When I was 7, I had intrusive thoughts about killing myself with a knife. I avoided going into the kitchen and avoided sharp objects.

When I was approximately 9 years old, I was afraid was I going to go crazy and kill my mom in her sleep. I would try to stay awake all night praying so that I wouldn't sleepwalk and go stab my mom. I went through our house and hid all the knives in high cupboards that I wouldn't be able to reach without a stool. I figured if I was sleep walking I wouldn't be able to figure out how to use a stool to get the knives to kill my mom.

When I was a pre-teen, I volunteered in the church nursery on Sunday evenings in the infant room. I had horrible intrusive thoughts that asked, "What if I'm a child molester subconsciously, and I go insane and hurt these babies?" I quit volunteering in the nursery.

When I was a teen, I would babysit. I would have intrusive thoughts that I would subconsciously hurt the kids, or accidentally start a fire. I quit babysitting.

When I was in high school, public restrooms were huge contamination factor for me. I also obsessed over my appearance, clothing etc, having to shower a certain way, wash my hair a certain way, check my appearance three times throughout the day. If I didn't do these rituals, something bad would happen and I would be humiliated in school. I would also spend a great deal of time driving and back-tracking because I was afraid I had hit an animal or a child with my car, and I would have to check to make sure I hadn't. I would also drive back and forth from school to check the front door to make sure I locked it, sometimes multiple times over periods of hours. I also had to say a prayer a certain way, and if I messed up, had to start over to "protect me" and my loved ones.

I started college and dropped out due to anxiety.

After I quit college, I began having to buy things in 3. Three was a lucky number to me and still is. I still buy things in threes or multiples of three sometimes. If I don't, something bad could happen. I don't even notice this compulsion sometimes. My husband will notice groceries in threes and mention it, whereas it is so common for me I don't realize I am doing it.

In my early 20s, I stopped watching shows with violence in them, or songs that were not perfectly pleasant and neutral. I was afraid I would be negatively influenced by them and then a "bad side" of me would take over and hurt people. For example, I love Law & Order, but I stopped watching it for several years just in case I went crazy, I didn't want to have many great ideas.

Mid-20s were spent dealing with Bipolar Disorder, hospitalization, etc.

Present day, early thirties. I am afraid of going to bed after 9:46 pm. If I go to bed later, I will not be able to sleep and then I'll hit someone with my car the next day. If I listen to upbeat music or watch an entertaining show after 6 pm, I will be too stimulated to sleep. So I make myself just sit there alone away from everyone else. If I read an interesting book after 6 pm, same thing. I can't eat after 6 pm, or I will have trouble falling asleep. I get anxious as the sun goes down. I start compulsive rituals such as taking a lot of melatonin, drinking sleepytime tea, checking and rechecking alarms. I can't sleep with anyone in the same room as me right now. It makes me want to vomit, it makes me so anxious.

I also have a weird thing with alarm clocks. I want to buy a lot of them so I am sure I will wake up on time. It's really hard not to give into this compulsion.

Now, someone without OCD will read this and think WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?! You're crazy! You're insane! That's so bizarre/weird/messed up etc.

Yes. And we (OCD sufferers) feel horrible about having these intrusive thoughts. So we begin avoidance or compulsion behaviors to compensate.

In the case of being a pre-teen, I simply stopped volunteering at the church nursery. I had to go to church since my mom worked in one, so I elected to sit in with the adults in the sermon, thinking that I was evil and disgusting and should be in the sermons anyway. Or I stopped something else like babysitting, getting a job working with animals instead. Or I stopped listening to music I like or watching TV shows I like, because I was afraid of negative effects on me. Or I just stop living and enjoying my life, afraid I'm not going to be able to function; afraid of hurting someone or something; afraid of losing control and doing something horrible...

That's OCD. Right now, it's an anaconda around my neck, choking me tighter each time I let out a breath and try to struggle.

And it comes out of freaking nowhere!

In my city, there are quite a few top universities, and one of them has an OCD clinic. I am on the waitlist to see a counselor who specializes in OCD and anxiety. I am hoping that will provide me with some relief.





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