I can't hold a normal job.
I spent nearly ten years in retail/restaurant, working shift work. I became ill nearly every single time. I didn't have an education, and therefore a regular 9-5 job was difficult to come by. After my most severe manic episode in 2014 where I lost my well-paying salaried job (but was also shift work), I have stayed at home. I pet sit from time to time for people. It's not a real job. It's a gig a junior-higher would have. But it's all I can manage at this time. My husband works hard to support us.
I decided earlier this year to go back to school and get a degree. Shift work is no longer an option for me (unless "you want to see the ward nurses several times a year", as my psychiatrist put it). Therefore, I need an education of some kind to get a job with normal hours.
I had finished most of my 4 year degree, and I have about one year left after this semester is over next week. Then I get my shiny diploma and...
Then what?
The "then what" terrifies me. My student loans were on hold due to a bankruptcy (I describe my manic episode that led to this here), and they will remain on hold until 6 months after I graduate to give me time to find a job. I am already working on getting my substitute teaching packet together. The way sub teaching works in my state is you are put into a pool of workers, and when they need a fill-in teacher the first one to get back to them gets the job. I can go for jobs I want to work, and ignore ones I don't. I figure I can manage that one day a week right now, and may be gradually work my way up to a few days a week. The pay isn't bad and the flexibility is there.
My next option would be to find a 9-5 office job with my new degree. It would have to be close to my house as I don't like commuting. It makes me very anxious. It would have to be boring and low-stress. There are not many of those jobs where I live, in a mainly suburban area mixed with manufacturing and farming. Not a whole lot of office environments.
My third option is to find something outside of the box. I have written a novel (but haven't submitted it because I think it's shit), and am working on a second one (that I think is a tad less shit). My goal is to have at least one novel submitted to a publisher within the next 6 months. The chances of that working are slim, but this idea would be amazing.
My anxious brain is terrified that neither of these 3 options will work out. I will have to consistently be earning a full-time salary by the time the student loan payments come due. I could always postpone the loan repayments with medical leave, but they accrue nasty interest rates (student loans could be a whole other post). I don't want to postpone my life because of Bipolar disorder anymore. I am a doer, an active person. I take charge of situations and become a leader.
So, I have basically a year and half to get well while I am getting my degree. I will have to accept the fact that there will be times I will have to be off work on medical leave (hopefully few, brief, and far between). The future is pressing in on me, though. It's like I'm watching a bad SciFi movie take place: Functionality vs. Bipolar. The past 5 years have been a huge recovering from my untreated early adulthood. I finally feel at nearly 32 that I've gained some wisdom and perspective on living with Bipolar.
Ah, just to put that wisdom into action.
The first step is making an employment contract with myself, my doctor, and my family. These are things that I agree to do in looking for employment in order to minimize my risk of relapsing.
Contract Agreement #1: No Shift-Work Jobs
I will not take a job that involves shift work. I will not take a job that advertises frequent overtime needed. I will only look at jobs with regular hours (even if the the pay is low).
Contract Agreement #2: Commute
I will only consider jobs within a 15 minute commute from my home. This reduces stress involved in taking daughter to and from after-school care. Commuting makes me stressed out. Must. reduce. stress.
Contract Agreement #3: I must say "No" to my hypothetical bosses.
My family and therapist agree I say "yes" far too often. I crave reassurance and praise. I take on too much work, which makes me ill. I cannot do this in my future job. I will say "No" more often, especially if I am not feeling up to it.
Contract Agreement #4: Taking all medicaitons as prescribed
For some of you, this is #1. I don't have a problem with this. I am very aware of my Bipolar Disorder, and am very aware of the symptoms of when I don't take my medications. Therefore, this is lower on the priority list, but still on it.
Contract Agreement #5: Attending regular CBT (2x/month if finances allow)
I agree to regularly attend CBT. I have a tendency to make it when I can make it. If finances don't allow for it, tough shit. I won't go. But if we can make it work financially (and have so far with my psych and therapist in the same office and flexible with payments plans), then I will go regularly.
Contract Agreement #6: I will not ignore "minor" symptoms.
I have a tendency to think "eh, my sleep is shit, I dyed my hair purple overnight and I've a sudden urge to take acting classes and I can't keep a thought in my brain, but it'll pass." It most definitely does not pass. It turns into spending sprees (I will write a post on managing finances when you have Bipolar like me) and even psychosis if untreated. Alas, I will notify my family and therapist/psych when I have symptoms I see as no big deal.
That's it. That's my grand plan. That and I may start smoking again. I've a terrible urge to smoke. I haven't smoked in over a year. That's a different post as well.
Hope everyone is having as low-stress a holiday as they can.
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