Depressive Episodes Part 1

Depression Part 1 (if you are sensitive to suicide, please don't read)

Unless you've experienced the big D, it's pretty difficult to describe it. There are plenty of trite descriptions of Depression on medical websites. It's not just words on a screen to me; it's a living, breathing animal.

To me, Depression is the penultimate struggle of wills: your evolutionary will to survive vs. your desire to lessen your suffering. Sometimes, you'll be watching a movie with friends where someone dies a gruesome, slow death. You think, Man, I'd never want to die like that. I'd rather just go immediately, like from a heart attack, in my sleep, or in a car accident. Never ever in a slow, painful way where you're acutely aware of your own suffering.

That's more like what Depression is like.

Depressive Episodes

With my Bipolar 1 diagnosis, unlike Mania which I have previously written about, I usually cannot tell when I am about to enter a Depressive phase. It tends to sneak up on me quickly, and hit me hard.

The only time I have been hospitalized was for a depressive episode in 2011, which I wrote about here.

While I can clearly see Manic episodes in my life, I really can't see Depression as clearly without consulting my past journals for suicide letters. I tend to get a cathartic experience from writing suicide letters. I can never get them just right, and sometimes in a Depressive state, that is nearly all that keeps me from taking my own life. I write it out, sometimes sobbing, sometimes stone motionless, like a robot. I explain in my letter to my various family members why I did what  I did and that I'm very sorry. I usually end up scribbling things out and re-writing it, and then just giving up because I can't articulate my own suicide very well.

I give up, and file it away for a later date. I am not sure why I save them; if anyone were to discover them, I am not sure how I'd explain my morbid little collection. I view them dispassionately, sometimes I throw them away.

You can browse lots of various blogs and sites and you'll see common things about Depression, such as sleep changes, weight changes, disinterest in life, etc. Those descriptions, while true, are so sterile to describe something than can rage like a frozen ice storm through your veins.

People hear "depression," and they think you're sad, or maybe bored and lazy. It's a stereotype that must change. True depression is an anaconda, slowly squeezing you the harder you fight.

Treatment for Depression

The bright side of it is that it is totally treatable. It may be a long while with trying different medications, but Depression is something that can be beat back with proper medical care. I don't recommend trying to beat chronic Depression on your own without any support or medicine. (I am not a doctor or any medical professional, so please consult someone qualified if you think you have Depression).

For me, Depressive phases come and go. Autumn is usually hard as the days get shorter. Other than that, I can't really discern triggers for Depression like I can with Mania. When I am sobby and weepy, I contact my psychiatrist and/or counselor. I have to try and avoid antidepressants because they tend to slingshot me into mania. If the depressive episode is severe, we risk the mania and go with low doses of antidepressants combined with heavier mood stabilizers and anti-psychotics. In the instances where I have taken anti-depressants, my depression as lifted after a few weeks on the meds. Medication (in general), for me, as been a life-changer.

When Depression is Not Taken Seriously by Others

If you have been diagnosed with Depression, you've probably heard a smattering of stale advice from counselors and doctors such as: get more sunlight, each healthier, exercise, get sleep, practice being grateful, take hot baths, etc. I know I have, and it's incredibly frustrating. While these are all helpful components of any lifestyle, they can make the Depressed patient feel as if no one will understand them and the severity of their situation. If Depression were as easy to cure as 15 minutes in the sunlight, or a lavender-scented bath, we wouldn't have the national crises on Depression that we have right now. Suicide rates are climbing in the United States, becoming the 10th leading cause of death.

When someone is at the point of seeking medical treatment for Depression, they are probably feeling at their wit's end. Being there in the doctor's office, ready to spill the ugly thoughts in your head, and being told they can be helped by getting eight hours' rest each night is just about enough to make the most patient person cry.

It is going to be up to you to find a doctor that takes you seriously, or insist on more thorough treatments. You are your best advocate. You must communicate the seriousness of your Depression to your doctor, and not let them write you off.

Family members may not take Depression seriously, either. Our parents' generations didn't talk at all about mental illness. Older generations may think you are ungrateful, lazy, selfish, etc. This is completely untrue and dangerous. If you are a young person and have reached out to your family about your Depression, and they are not taking it seriously, go to a hospital. Call one of the Suicide help lines (some are listed below at the end of this post). Tell a minister or a family friend that you are struggling with your Depression. Don't give up.

Friends are tricky. Some of your friends may be compassionate, and stick with you through your illness. Others will leave immediately. Some may stay at first, but then drift away. It's normal; it's happened to me. You must not take it personally. I have lost most of my friends because when I am depressed, I don't really talk to anyone. They take this as I don't care. That's not true; I am just so overwhelmed with caring for myself that I don't have any leftover energy for others. And you know what? That's ok.

When you're depressed, you feel alone and worthless, and like things will never get better. The best advice I can give you is that depression is a phase. It will get better. You'll have ups and downs. The condition itself is highly treatable. It's just part of your brain lying to you. That three pound mass in your head is a weird being. It sometimes takes on a life of its own, it seems. Depression is one of those instances. Get treated for it, and realize things will improve.

In the US, if you are depressed and considering suicide, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. You can even chat with them online.

Links to Suicide Help in the UK.