Bipolar and Relationships

Can you have healthy, quality relationships when you have bipolar disorder?

The short answer is yes.

The long answer goes into the variables than can affect whether or not you have (or even want) relationships with other people.

Being bipolar means that you have episodes of mania or hypomania, and some of the characteristics of being manic/hypomanic is being overly social, inappropriate, overly sexual, flirtatious, outgoing, and so on. Naturally, you are going to attract certain people to you in these states. People may be drawn to your energy, your magnetism and your vibe. You may be the funniest, most outgoing person at the office party, and everyone notices you.

Being bipolar also means you suffer through depressive episodes, where you are the exact opposite of outgoing and bubbly, eccentric and high-energy. You may be unwashed, wear no makeup, and appear unkempt. You may find it difficult to feed yourself, much less make an effort at a reasonable appearance.

I am sure that you have experienced changes in relationships, loss of relationships and all of the things that go along with those.

People do find that drastic change shocking, in my experience. They tend to fall back for the most part when someone changes from one way to another.

I have typically had a tough time keeping friends. I am the life of the party for 2-6 weeks, and then I look like death warmed over for two months.

However, I have a wonderful husband who is perfectly and entirely SANE. When we first started dating, I told him I had something to tell him about myself.

"I'm really messed up," I said, tapping on my temple with my index finger. "I have a lot going on in here."

"Like what?" he asked.

"I'm bipolar." I waited for running and screaming.

"You seem ok to me."

"I won't seem ok at times."

Nearly 7 years later, here we are. He has forcibly wrestled credit cards from me when I was in a manic state, he has picked me up and carried me out of bed to the couch when I was depressed. He has helped me wash my hair in the bathtub when I didn't care enough to do it myself. He has negotiated visits to my psychiatrist with me. He has slept in the hospital parking lot while I was on a 72 hour hold. He has been the primary breadwinner as I get jobs, get ill, and then lose them. He is strong, physically and mentally, and quiet.

Not everyone is like that. I have one failed marriage under my belt, and plenty of failed friendships. You may have experienced never-ending strings of failed relationships, due in partly to your bipolar disorder. But that doesn't mean it's your fault.

It's hard to be married to, a partner to, a family member of, or a friend to someone with bipolar disorder. Our hallmark episodes take them for just as much of a ride as bipolar takes us. People around may feel unwary, confused, shocked, angry or any combination of emotions when they see us switching from state to state.

But that doesn't mean that you are defective. It doesn't mean that you aren't worth it. When you find that person or persons (romantically or in a friend sense) that stick with you through you ups and downs, you will know you've found someone who sees past your illness and sees you. 

Categories of Friends/Relationships

It my own limited experience, I have found that a lot of people with Bipolar Disorder are lonely. Their friends in "mania" aren't interested in them when they are depressed. These are the people that you go clubbing with, people that you party with, people that you take risks with. They aren't into "downers." They want the fun, outgoing, impulsive you.

On the opposite ends of the spectrum, bipolar folks have friends who are there in "depression"  but aren't interested in them when they are manic. These are the low-key, nurturing friends who may bring you a cup of chicken noodle soup when you're low, or listen to your sobbing phone calls and encourage you. They aren't interested in wild parties and impulsive decisions. You may scare them in your manic states.

Then there are a special breed of people who see both sides of you, and are able to be friends to both. Someone who can have a good time with you, but notice when you're manic and be a stabilizing influence. Someone who sees you depressed, and supports you and listens to you and is not scared away by the darkness following you around.

Those are the types of people you need around you. Not many people I know fit those categories. Most of my "friends" fall into one of the two categories. My husband and one or two other people fall into the third category: seeing both sides of my bipolar disorder and being able to handle both equally.

If you are feeling lonely, I suggest you read blogs of people with bipolar disorder, or join online support groups (ones that are positive in nature, not one where it's always complaining about XYZ). For me, joining Twitter has been enormously helpful as I am able to see all the people like me out there from all over the world, with similar thoughts and feelings.

I hope that each one of you reading this has a friend or loved one who is able to weather the storms of bipolar with you. And if not, I am sure there will be someone at some point in the future.