Sunday, January 29, 2017
Side Effects of Bipolar Meds!
Many diagnosed Bipolar patients such as myself take multiple drugs to manage our disorder. While modern medicine has created drugs that help stabilize our moods, these drugs have a myriad of side effects, some really strange. I am going to talk about mood stabilizers I've tried and their side effects and mention some of the problems I've had with them.
Seroquel
I've had a great experience with this drug as far as stabilizing my mood. I've experienced weight gain over the past 5-6 years on it, but it's been manageable with diet and exercise. It helps me sleep, and I don't have that zombie feeling that many complain about.
Depakote
Depakote has been great in slowing down my manic and hypomanic states. However, in my latest go-around with Depakote, I gained 30 lbs in 3.5 months despite vigorous exercise and eating well. The weight gain has brought on a whole host of problems such as high blood sugar, high blood pressure, and high cholesterol. My GP is the one who yanked me off Depakote ASAP, while my PDOC wanted to give it some more time. Ultimately, I sided with my GP that there were other avenues worth exploring, and that Depakote was ruining my body. I am cutting my dosage in half each week. I have 6 more days before I am off of Depakote completely.
Lamictal
Lamictal is apparently a very popular Bipolar drug. I took it for a year and saw no improvements or differences to my cycling moods, and my hands started to have involuntary tremors at a high dose. I quickly tapered off of this med for that reason.
Gabapentin
Gabapentin is now being used in the psychiatric setting as both a sedative and a mood stabilizer, according to my psychiatrist. The primary reason I started Gabapentin last week was to take the place of Depakote's sedating effects. I am on a fairly low dose now (200mg) and I have not experienced any side effects in the past week. I'll have to give this one more time, though.
Abilify
I took Abilify for about 6 months, and it made me so depressed and suicidal I was almost hospitalized. I gave it that long for it to "kick in," but it turns out that it was already "kicked in" and kicking my ass. So that one's out.
I haven't tried Lithium or Risperdal. My psychiatrist doesn't like Lithium due to the potential for toxicity. I know people online who have taken Risperdal and gained a ton of weight, so that's out for me.
As a goal, I'd eventually like to be taking as low a dose of an atypical mood stabilizer as possible. Feel free to leave a comment if you've taken any of these drugs and experienced side side effects.
Thursday, January 19, 2017
Katelyn Nichole Davis Lost Her Battle Part 2
I have received a phenomenal amount of views on my first post about how Katelyn Nicole Davis lost her battle to mental illness. I'm currently #4 on Google search for her name. I've read some more things about her life, and I wanted to write about them today.
Here's the video I watched for this post. It is hard to glean the entirety of her family situation based on a Youtube video, but some disturbing things come to light about Katelyn Nicole Davis' family life.
It seems there are a lot more facts coming out that are really, really hard to fathom. Some of the things I am reading on the Facebook page Justice for Katelyn Nicole Davis. I can't confirm any of the allegations against her mom and stepdad and her boyfriend, but it seems that she had a horrid family life. She accused her stepfather of molesting her on one of her blogs. Watching some of her videos (where she secretly recorded fights with her mother), it's clear that she had very little support from her mom. Fights between adolescents and their parents are common, but hearing Katelyn's mom scream things like, "Katie, shut your goddamn mouth!" and "I can't wait until you're 18 and move out!" makes it pretty clear that their relationship was volatile. In the same video, she accuses her mom of prostituting herself out for pain medication. I don't know if those things are true or not. Furthermore, in the same video, Katelyn tells her mom that her boyfriend told her he had murdered someone, and Katelyn's mother responds, "It ain't my problem, don't take it out on me." Another chilling fact in that video is when Katelyn tells her mother that she was violated by her stepdad, and her mom says "I know, but is he here?" as if that makes it ok. Katelyn's mother also responds to her two smaller children as "my children," excluding Katelyn, as if Katelyn is not her child.
What can I say to that? Nothing. There is nothing that I can say to that except Katelyn was a very troubled child who lived in a ramshackle home with a ramshackle family. Many of these videos were recorded close to Katelyn's suicide, and I have no doubt that the video I linked to above had something to do with it. I can't imagine being 12 and having my mom scream profanities at me.
Another thing I can't quite understand is that no one watching the livestream contacted the authorities, except for one lone police officer in California who just happened to come across it and phone the department where Katelyn lived in Georgia. It seems Katelyn Nicole Davis had no advocates, which is stunning to me. I wonder how many other Katelyns are out there, struggling with a mental illness and a disturbing family with no hope and no recourse.
RIP Katelyn.
Here's the video I watched for this post. It is hard to glean the entirety of her family situation based on a Youtube video, but some disturbing things come to light about Katelyn Nicole Davis' family life.
It seems there are a lot more facts coming out that are really, really hard to fathom. Some of the things I am reading on the Facebook page Justice for Katelyn Nicole Davis. I can't confirm any of the allegations against her mom and stepdad and her boyfriend, but it seems that she had a horrid family life. She accused her stepfather of molesting her on one of her blogs. Watching some of her videos (where she secretly recorded fights with her mother), it's clear that she had very little support from her mom. Fights between adolescents and their parents are common, but hearing Katelyn's mom scream things like, "Katie, shut your goddamn mouth!" and "I can't wait until you're 18 and move out!" makes it pretty clear that their relationship was volatile. In the same video, she accuses her mom of prostituting herself out for pain medication. I don't know if those things are true or not. Furthermore, in the same video, Katelyn tells her mom that her boyfriend told her he had murdered someone, and Katelyn's mother responds, "It ain't my problem, don't take it out on me." Another chilling fact in that video is when Katelyn tells her mother that she was violated by her stepdad, and her mom says "I know, but is he here?" as if that makes it ok. Katelyn's mother also responds to her two smaller children as "my children," excluding Katelyn, as if Katelyn is not her child.
What can I say to that? Nothing. There is nothing that I can say to that except Katelyn was a very troubled child who lived in a ramshackle home with a ramshackle family. Many of these videos were recorded close to Katelyn's suicide, and I have no doubt that the video I linked to above had something to do with it. I can't imagine being 12 and having my mom scream profanities at me.
Another thing I can't quite understand is that no one watching the livestream contacted the authorities, except for one lone police officer in California who just happened to come across it and phone the department where Katelyn lived in Georgia. It seems Katelyn Nicole Davis had no advocates, which is stunning to me. I wonder how many other Katelyns are out there, struggling with a mental illness and a disturbing family with no hope and no recourse.
RIP Katelyn.
Wednesday, January 18, 2017
Ruminations
Ruminations are something I've been doing my whole life, but I've never had a clinical term for them, or had any knowledge that they are related to mental illness. I've only recently heard the term "rumination" in regards to mental illness. It's essentially obsessive thinking over negative issues, or issues that cannot or do not have a knowable solution.
For example, I often ruminate on the existence or non-existence of a "god" or whatever you want to call it, and it makes me very anxious and depressed. Logically, in my own opinion, there is likely not a god. Yet I still ruminate over it. You can't prove the existence of god to me (most of it is based on ancient texts translated ad infinitum anyways, or personal "feelings" not data), but you can't disprove a god because there is no concrete data for it. Therefore, it is unknowable, which I guess technically makes me agnostic. And I am already going down the rumination slide in this paragraph, so I'll stop writing about this one.
Another rumination I tend to get stuck on is death, and what it will be like and how it will happen. That is an unknowable thing, unless you commit suicide, and that only takes care of the how and when. You still won't know what death actually is like until you've died, and then it's no good because you can't tell anyone about it. So, Death death death. All day long it bounces around the inside of my 3 pound blob over my shoulders. It's not really an anxiety-causing issue, it's more of an annoyance. It's like a morbid song you can't get out of your head. Loads of people have died just fine before me, so I assume I'll do it just like everyone else (also planning on donating my body for science as a side fact).
I also tend to ruminate over how I feel physically. This is probably the most anxiety-producing one apart from the is-there-a-god question. Am I too tired today? Am I not tired enough? Why did my eye lid twitch? And then it spirals into weeks-long depressive thinking on weird sensations I have. I can't stop thinking about strange sensations or I get fixated on little things. Then I sit and think and think and dwell on them, and I become encased in this chaotic-depressive-gerbil-wheel mess and I get anxious and depressed. Mindfulness has helped me on this one, because I am learning to see the small thoughts that lead to fixations that lead to ruminations, and let those thoughts kind of float by without giving into them.
So, why does ruminating happen in our noodles?
Maybe it's problem-solving gone awry.
It's likely related to OCD. Or anxiety.
Perhaps it's an overactive imagination running away with our minds.
It's linked to depression.
If you have trouble "letting things go," or getting thoughts to go away, or getting stuck or fixated in a thought pattern that causes you stress, anxiety, or depression, perhaps you are suffering from ruminations, and maybe it's time to call a qualified mental health professional to help sort things out. As for me, I believe it's probably related to my OCD, which essentially is the fear of uncertainty.
For example, I often ruminate on the existence or non-existence of a "god" or whatever you want to call it, and it makes me very anxious and depressed. Logically, in my own opinion, there is likely not a god. Yet I still ruminate over it. You can't prove the existence of god to me (most of it is based on ancient texts translated ad infinitum anyways, or personal "feelings" not data), but you can't disprove a god because there is no concrete data for it. Therefore, it is unknowable, which I guess technically makes me agnostic. And I am already going down the rumination slide in this paragraph, so I'll stop writing about this one.
Another rumination I tend to get stuck on is death, and what it will be like and how it will happen. That is an unknowable thing, unless you commit suicide, and that only takes care of the how and when. You still won't know what death actually is like until you've died, and then it's no good because you can't tell anyone about it. So, Death death death. All day long it bounces around the inside of my 3 pound blob over my shoulders. It's not really an anxiety-causing issue, it's more of an annoyance. It's like a morbid song you can't get out of your head. Loads of people have died just fine before me, so I assume I'll do it just like everyone else (also planning on donating my body for science as a side fact).
I also tend to ruminate over how I feel physically. This is probably the most anxiety-producing one apart from the is-there-a-god question. Am I too tired today? Am I not tired enough? Why did my eye lid twitch? And then it spirals into weeks-long depressive thinking on weird sensations I have. I can't stop thinking about strange sensations or I get fixated on little things. Then I sit and think and think and dwell on them, and I become encased in this chaotic-depressive-gerbil-wheel mess and I get anxious and depressed. Mindfulness has helped me on this one, because I am learning to see the small thoughts that lead to fixations that lead to ruminations, and let those thoughts kind of float by without giving into them.
So, why does ruminating happen in our noodles?
Maybe it's problem-solving gone awry.
It's likely related to OCD. Or anxiety.
Perhaps it's an overactive imagination running away with our minds.
It's linked to depression.
If you have trouble "letting things go," or getting thoughts to go away, or getting stuck or fixated in a thought pattern that causes you stress, anxiety, or depression, perhaps you are suffering from ruminations, and maybe it's time to call a qualified mental health professional to help sort things out. As for me, I believe it's probably related to my OCD, which essentially is the fear of uncertainty.
The Might Writing Challenge: January
Here's the raw version of my second article published on the Mighty, which you can read here.
How I Hide the Side Effects of My Bipolar Medication Through the Day
Boring. Forgetful. Odd.
These are some of the labels I encounter daily due to the side effects if my Bipolar medication. I don't push back against those labels because I do my best to hide my Bipolar Disorder and the side effects of medications throughout the day. I hide it most from strangers and co-workers,and I do still try very hard to hide it from my family and closest friends. It's a tricky business.
Waking up in the morning is an ordeal when you have a mental illness like Bipolar Disorder, and the side effects of medications to treat it are difficult to hide. The anti-psychotics I take make me extremely groggy. I have a tendency to stumble through multiple alarms. I also have to go to bed early so I get enough rest to function the next day. This starts people asking me, "Hey, I texted you last night at 9, but you didn't respond." When I tell them I go to bed around then, they look shocked. "You really go to bed that early? Wow, you're an old person!" they joke. I give a crooked a smile and laugh along with them. It's easier to take the teasing than explain that if I don't go to bed early, the anti-psychotics will make me too tired to get up the next morning. People see me as a boring, anti-social person when in reality I am exactly the opposite.
Another side effect of Bipolar medications is grogginess that lasts into the workday, and it can affect my memory. I often forget conversations I've had or commitments I've made. I've learned to keep a cheap planner on me to help, but co-workers and bosses usually tease or sometimes criticize me for my perceived flightiness. I get strange looks from bosses and co-workers. I even had a boss tell me that I was such a hard, focused worker that she found my forgetful spells quite odd. I shrugged and awkwardly laughed.I can tell by the way they treat me that they think I'm a bit odd.
I don't attend work social functions or many social functions at all because I have learned that most contain alcohol, which I avoid due to the medications I take. I found that I get teased at the bar or restaurant when I am the only one abstaining from drinking. I get asked if I'm super religious, or teased about being a goody two-shoes. I love a great pina colada as much as the next girl, but alcohol is strictly a no-go with the medications I'm on. I also have to watch my weight as anti-psychotics help pack on pounds. Eating out is something I try to avoid. If I'm in a group outing with people who don't know about my Bipolar disorder, I quickly am singled out as being the least fun of the group. "A salad and water?" they asked, shocked as they dig into gooey nachos. "You can't not try this chocolate cake," they tease. Refusing and refusing quickly makes me an outcast, and the invitations to social functions cease.
It's sometimes easier to be quickly judged and classified as quirky or dull than it is to try to explain what's behind all of it. After all, I'm not going to change because of the labels. If I stopped taking my Bipolar medications, well, that's a whole different story that comes along with its own labels that are much, much harder to hide in a normal day. So for now, I do the best I can to hide the side effects of the medications I must take for Bipolar Disorder.
We all do our best to maintain what we think is a meaningful and productive life. Everyone struggles with one thing or another day-to-day; mine just happens to be doing my best to hide the side effects of my Bipolar medications during a normal day.
Monday, January 16, 2017
Bipolar Meds: Worth it?
I haven't been so well these past few days. I managed to weather the holidays fairly well, which was an accomplishment. But really extreme anxiety and OCD and depression is setting in. Right now, I'm taking Depakote, Seroquel and Xanax. I don't want to take any more Xanax because I already feel so doped up I can hardly function. I really, really want to request an extreme anti-depressant (which I know I won't get), and sleeping pills again. When Ambien worked for me, it was great. I got regular, stress-free sleep. It stopped working for me in October after five years. I am seriously considering asking for a different type of sleeping pill. The problem for me is that the Depakote and the Seroquel make me so damn groggy the next day, it's hard for me to function. Take into account that I couldn't fall asleep until 12:30am last night and had to get up at 6:30 to work, these meds are largely not working for me. I was so out of it driving today that I had to drink an energy drink and two cups of coffee to get going. I still had trouble at work with focusing. I got lost driving from client to client several times. Then I get depressed. The anxiety is almost overwhelming. What am I to do? Keep trying medication combinations. Combine all of this with the insane amount of weight I've gained on these medications. I don't know. Not a very uplifting post, but it's how I'm doing at the moment.
Sunday, January 8, 2017
Katelyn Nichole Davis Lost Her Battle
First, I would like to start off by saying that I didn't want to read much about Katelyn Davis's suicide, and I certainly didn't want to watch the video out of morbid curiosity. But as I was reading some of the wholly uninformed and sometimes-ignorant comments left under social media posts and news articles about it, the more I felt I had to speak up for her and others like her. Others like me, and others like you or like anyone who suffers from depression.
I wanted to write this blog post to clear up some of the common misconceptions people have about those who commit suicide. I list generic versions of some of the comments I have seen below articles written about Katelyn Davis. What I saw in those comments across the board and across sites was a total lack of understanding of people who suffer from mental illness, and those who die from it. Mental illness has an astonishingly high mortality rate, which we see with this lovely young girl who lost her battle with it a few days ago.
Comment #1: Suicide is a selfish act. You have to think about those around you.
Perhaps it is selfish in some way. I'm not really sure. Do we call someone selfish if they smoke cigarettes and refuse to quit? After all, smoking is guaranteed to have detrimental effects on your health. Lung cancer, heart issues (just to name a few) are all but 100% guaranteed when you smoke. Yet millions and millions smoke anyways, and no one seems to call them selfish about their slow self-destruction. Do we call someone who is obese and refuses to change their habits selfish? Obesity is a huge risk factor for early death, but we don't call them selfish.
When someone commits suicide, the part of their brain that reasons with them about what others will think or what their suicide will do to others around them is overruled by desperation, pain and depression. Their compassion for their loved ones is drowned out by their own brain, yelling at them inside their minds to end it all because there is no hope, and why prolong suffering? The people jumping out of the Twin Towers on 9/11 to certain deaths committed suicide, but we don't call them selfish. They chose to die in a fall rather than burn to death, because they had determined in their own minds that the fall would be less painful and quicker than burning in a fire. We don't call those folks selfish. Why do we constantly criticize people who lose their battle to mental illness, especially depression? This poor girl was suffering internally AND externally with bullying...we shouldn't criticize her for wanting out. She punched her ticket, and it's sad, but is it truly selfish?
Comment #2: So Sad, killing herself over a boy.
Ok, um, FALSE. A) We know she suffered from depression because she had a Youtube channel where she talks about it, and B) we also know she was being bullied by kids at school, who were calling her a whore and other profane things that she mentions in her suicide video. Sure, the boy that she mentions in her last video may have contributed to the emotional breakdown she suffered that ended up in her taking her own life, but depression killed this girl, not a broken relationship. The relationship or end of a relationship or the boy's rejection of her was most likely blown out of proportion in her 12 year-old brain which was already ravaged by depression. Depression takes things that normal people go through and magnifies it one thousand percent. Taking into the fact that she was also being brutally bullied, and she was just a kid. This was not a suicide JUST over a boy. There were many factors in play that contributed to her death.
Comment #3: She did it for attention. Why else would she livestream her suicide?
Oh, for Christ's sake people! I'm soooo sorry she didn't commit suicide in a manner you thought worthy. I begrudgingly watched the video after I read a comment like that because I wanted to see the facts for myself. It's a horrid video, but I was not really bothered too much by it because I was trying to be objective. As I watched it, it became very clear to me that it was a digital suicide note. That's all. I didn't sense she wanted attention at all. With today's technology age, kids are using phones and tablets and computers and social media to express themselves. She livestreamed it so she could probably reach her audience all at once as opposed to writing a bazillion letters or trying to communicate her feelings in an old-fashioned way. Anyways, if you watch the video, she is sobbing profusely and apologizing to everyone under the sun, even to her abusers at school who bullied her. She apologizes to others who have to see the video. It is full of raw, desperate emotion and regret as she goes through her list of people that she apologizes to as she stands on a ladder with a noose around her neck. Her profuse apologies and praying for God to forgive her for taking her own life because she can't see another way....That is not the action of someone who wants attention. That is the act of someone who is genuinely sorry and regretful about something they have done/are going to do.
Now, if we're looking at someone who commits suicide for attention, my cousin is a great example. Back in the 1960s (way before I was born), I had an older, distant cousin who would become angry that people in her life (i.e., her sister, in-laws, parents, etc) were not paying attention to her, and she would threaten suicide. Once everyone dropped everything to fawn over her, she would suddenly recover and be fine. One day, she got angry again, and did her hair and makeup, angrily phoned her sister that she was going to kill herself because no one ever paid her enough attention, and took a bunch of sleeping pills, arranging her hair around the pillows and dying in a dramatic pose on a motel bed. Now that's a selfish suicide, if there is such a distinction.
All of you people out there who rush to judgement over an issue like suicide and depression and you have no freaking clue about it, just keep your mouths shut, or ask questions. Don't pass judgement on Katelyn Davis and her manner of death. Of course, I along with every other person who has heard of this story wishes she was still alive and receiving help. But don't go after this poor girl because her mental illness killed her. Also, as a side note, bullying has got to stop. I don't know if our society is just growing meaner by the generation, but it's absolutely got to be brought under control.
Rest in peace, Katelyn Davis.
I wanted to write this blog post to clear up some of the common misconceptions people have about those who commit suicide. I list generic versions of some of the comments I have seen below articles written about Katelyn Davis. What I saw in those comments across the board and across sites was a total lack of understanding of people who suffer from mental illness, and those who die from it. Mental illness has an astonishingly high mortality rate, which we see with this lovely young girl who lost her battle with it a few days ago.
Comment #1: Suicide is a selfish act. You have to think about those around you.
Perhaps it is selfish in some way. I'm not really sure. Do we call someone selfish if they smoke cigarettes and refuse to quit? After all, smoking is guaranteed to have detrimental effects on your health. Lung cancer, heart issues (just to name a few) are all but 100% guaranteed when you smoke. Yet millions and millions smoke anyways, and no one seems to call them selfish about their slow self-destruction. Do we call someone who is obese and refuses to change their habits selfish? Obesity is a huge risk factor for early death, but we don't call them selfish.
When someone commits suicide, the part of their brain that reasons with them about what others will think or what their suicide will do to others around them is overruled by desperation, pain and depression. Their compassion for their loved ones is drowned out by their own brain, yelling at them inside their minds to end it all because there is no hope, and why prolong suffering? The people jumping out of the Twin Towers on 9/11 to certain deaths committed suicide, but we don't call them selfish. They chose to die in a fall rather than burn to death, because they had determined in their own minds that the fall would be less painful and quicker than burning in a fire. We don't call those folks selfish. Why do we constantly criticize people who lose their battle to mental illness, especially depression? This poor girl was suffering internally AND externally with bullying...we shouldn't criticize her for wanting out. She punched her ticket, and it's sad, but is it truly selfish?
Comment #2: So Sad, killing herself over a boy.
Ok, um, FALSE. A) We know she suffered from depression because she had a Youtube channel where she talks about it, and B) we also know she was being bullied by kids at school, who were calling her a whore and other profane things that she mentions in her suicide video. Sure, the boy that she mentions in her last video may have contributed to the emotional breakdown she suffered that ended up in her taking her own life, but depression killed this girl, not a broken relationship. The relationship or end of a relationship or the boy's rejection of her was most likely blown out of proportion in her 12 year-old brain which was already ravaged by depression. Depression takes things that normal people go through and magnifies it one thousand percent. Taking into the fact that she was also being brutally bullied, and she was just a kid. This was not a suicide JUST over a boy. There were many factors in play that contributed to her death.
Comment #3: She did it for attention. Why else would she livestream her suicide?
Oh, for Christ's sake people! I'm soooo sorry she didn't commit suicide in a manner you thought worthy. I begrudgingly watched the video after I read a comment like that because I wanted to see the facts for myself. It's a horrid video, but I was not really bothered too much by it because I was trying to be objective. As I watched it, it became very clear to me that it was a digital suicide note. That's all. I didn't sense she wanted attention at all. With today's technology age, kids are using phones and tablets and computers and social media to express themselves. She livestreamed it so she could probably reach her audience all at once as opposed to writing a bazillion letters or trying to communicate her feelings in an old-fashioned way. Anyways, if you watch the video, she is sobbing profusely and apologizing to everyone under the sun, even to her abusers at school who bullied her. She apologizes to others who have to see the video. It is full of raw, desperate emotion and regret as she goes through her list of people that she apologizes to as she stands on a ladder with a noose around her neck. Her profuse apologies and praying for God to forgive her for taking her own life because she can't see another way....That is not the action of someone who wants attention. That is the act of someone who is genuinely sorry and regretful about something they have done/are going to do.
Now, if we're looking at someone who commits suicide for attention, my cousin is a great example. Back in the 1960s (way before I was born), I had an older, distant cousin who would become angry that people in her life (i.e., her sister, in-laws, parents, etc) were not paying attention to her, and she would threaten suicide. Once everyone dropped everything to fawn over her, she would suddenly recover and be fine. One day, she got angry again, and did her hair and makeup, angrily phoned her sister that she was going to kill herself because no one ever paid her enough attention, and took a bunch of sleeping pills, arranging her hair around the pillows and dying in a dramatic pose on a motel bed. Now that's a selfish suicide, if there is such a distinction.
All of you people out there who rush to judgement over an issue like suicide and depression and you have no freaking clue about it, just keep your mouths shut, or ask questions. Don't pass judgement on Katelyn Davis and her manner of death. Of course, I along with every other person who has heard of this story wishes she was still alive and receiving help. But don't go after this poor girl because her mental illness killed her. Also, as a side note, bullying has got to stop. I don't know if our society is just growing meaner by the generation, but it's absolutely got to be brought under control.
Rest in peace, Katelyn Davis.
Saturday, January 7, 2017
Intrusive Thoughts & OCD
If you have OCD like me, you have experienced intrusive thoughts, also known as aaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrggggggggghhhh. Intrusive thoughts are pretty much just that: random things that invade your mind and that can include some disturbing images or emotional reactions. I have been dealing a lot of with this lately.
Triggering content below, don't read on if you don't want to get into heavier stuff.
Most of my intrusive thoughts right now center on suicide and death (Disclaimer: you can have suicidal thoughts or ideations but NOT be actively suicidal, so don't freak out. I'm not going to kill myself. I am an old hand at this type of stuff). One of my main intrusive thoughts is that I am afraid I am going to lose control and commit suicide. Another intrusive thought I have is about dying and death. I have obsessive thoughts over aging and death. Every day lately death thoughts occupy my mind. I run on the treadmill at the gym, pounding away to music. Why am I running on a treadmill? My mind asks me. Because you are trying to be healthier so you DON'T DIE AS SOON, my mind blasts back. I take a multivitamin supplement. Why are you taking that? My brain asks me. Oh, that's right, TO AVOID DYING. Seatbelt goes on in the car, intrusive thoughts about mortality set in. I start counting my gray hairs, because it's my hair follicles slowly dying. I had a tooth pulled at the beginning of the year; another symbol I'm dying slowly. My daughter is getting ready to celebrate her 8th birthday. She is growing up, which means I am getting old and closer to dying. And on and on on and on. I can't seem to pull myself out of these morbid death obsessions. They occupy most of my mind these days.
I am considering making an appointment with my psychiatrist for an anti-depressant, but after just coming down from a hypo-manic phase, anti-depressants may not be an option. Therapy has been a little helpful, but it's expensive and I haven't been able to go regularly.
Now, there's another side of me, the logical side of me (which I call the Spock Me), that I am slowly learning to nurture and listen to as much as I can. The Spock Me looks at me and says: We all are mortal and going to die at some point. No ifs, ands or buts. No avoiding it. We may improve our health and therefore improve our experience on this earth in our bodies (sometimes), but eventually our bodies will give out. Besides, Spock Me points out, everyone has done it. There are loads of cemeteries full of people all over the world who have died just fine. Some were peaceful deaths, some violent, some young, some old, some healthy, some sick. Who knows. I am an Atheist, so I don't think there's anything after this. All those headstones are are rocks marking a story of someone who once lived and is now nothing. Oh, well, Spock Me says with a shrug. It is what it is.
Another intrusive thought I've been having is that I will not sleep well at night and cause an accident the next day and kill someone with my car, or miss an alarm and not take my daughter to school, or miss work and get fired. That leads to panic and anxiety about not sleeping, and well, you can see where that goes. I have been off of sleeping pills for several months now, and am relying on a mindfulness app called Calm and my normal bipolar medications to help me sleep at night. The intrusive thoughts are causing panic attacks, and it just becomes this vicious cycle. Depression has set in on me today. It's a lot to take in. I have had trouble falling asleep, then I snatch a few hours and wake up early and go work. Then I come home and fall asleep even when I'm trying not to, then my sleep gets fucked. Arg.
How do I manage? I'm not sure, really, if it's called "managing" as I feel I do it rather poorly. But some things I do when I am in the middle of OCD hell:
- listen to Spock Me and counter irrational thoughts with logic
- write in a journal or on here about what I'm going through
- seek support online from OCD resources specifically relating to obsessive/intrusive thoughts
- get on Twitter and read about others' experiences with OCD (it helps to know gobs and gobs of people out there are going through the exact same thing).
- try to maintain a healthy lifestyle (I'll get back to you on that, I've started about six weeks ago. I think it will take several months of working out and healthy living to see if I am having any effect on my mental health)
Here's a cool website I found specifically relating to OCD intrusive thoughts.
Another informative website on OCD is linked here. This one goes into detail on Ruminations, or Morbid/Metaphysical Obsessions.
Triggering content below, don't read on if you don't want to get into heavier stuff.
Most of my intrusive thoughts right now center on suicide and death (Disclaimer: you can have suicidal thoughts or ideations but NOT be actively suicidal, so don't freak out. I'm not going to kill myself. I am an old hand at this type of stuff). One of my main intrusive thoughts is that I am afraid I am going to lose control and commit suicide. Another intrusive thought I have is about dying and death. I have obsessive thoughts over aging and death. Every day lately death thoughts occupy my mind. I run on the treadmill at the gym, pounding away to music. Why am I running on a treadmill? My mind asks me. Because you are trying to be healthier so you DON'T DIE AS SOON, my mind blasts back. I take a multivitamin supplement. Why are you taking that? My brain asks me. Oh, that's right, TO AVOID DYING. Seatbelt goes on in the car, intrusive thoughts about mortality set in. I start counting my gray hairs, because it's my hair follicles slowly dying. I had a tooth pulled at the beginning of the year; another symbol I'm dying slowly. My daughter is getting ready to celebrate her 8th birthday. She is growing up, which means I am getting old and closer to dying. And on and on on and on. I can't seem to pull myself out of these morbid death obsessions. They occupy most of my mind these days.
I am considering making an appointment with my psychiatrist for an anti-depressant, but after just coming down from a hypo-manic phase, anti-depressants may not be an option. Therapy has been a little helpful, but it's expensive and I haven't been able to go regularly.
Now, there's another side of me, the logical side of me (which I call the Spock Me), that I am slowly learning to nurture and listen to as much as I can. The Spock Me looks at me and says: We all are mortal and going to die at some point. No ifs, ands or buts. No avoiding it. We may improve our health and therefore improve our experience on this earth in our bodies (sometimes), but eventually our bodies will give out. Besides, Spock Me points out, everyone has done it. There are loads of cemeteries full of people all over the world who have died just fine. Some were peaceful deaths, some violent, some young, some old, some healthy, some sick. Who knows. I am an Atheist, so I don't think there's anything after this. All those headstones are are rocks marking a story of someone who once lived and is now nothing. Oh, well, Spock Me says with a shrug. It is what it is.
Another intrusive thought I've been having is that I will not sleep well at night and cause an accident the next day and kill someone with my car, or miss an alarm and not take my daughter to school, or miss work and get fired. That leads to panic and anxiety about not sleeping, and well, you can see where that goes. I have been off of sleeping pills for several months now, and am relying on a mindfulness app called Calm and my normal bipolar medications to help me sleep at night. The intrusive thoughts are causing panic attacks, and it just becomes this vicious cycle. Depression has set in on me today. It's a lot to take in. I have had trouble falling asleep, then I snatch a few hours and wake up early and go work. Then I come home and fall asleep even when I'm trying not to, then my sleep gets fucked. Arg.
How do I manage? I'm not sure, really, if it's called "managing" as I feel I do it rather poorly. But some things I do when I am in the middle of OCD hell:
- listen to Spock Me and counter irrational thoughts with logic
- write in a journal or on here about what I'm going through
- seek support online from OCD resources specifically relating to obsessive/intrusive thoughts
- get on Twitter and read about others' experiences with OCD (it helps to know gobs and gobs of people out there are going through the exact same thing).
- try to maintain a healthy lifestyle (I'll get back to you on that, I've started about six weeks ago. I think it will take several months of working out and healthy living to see if I am having any effect on my mental health)
Here's a cool website I found specifically relating to OCD intrusive thoughts.
Another informative website on OCD is linked here. This one goes into detail on Ruminations, or Morbid/Metaphysical Obsessions.
Sunday, January 1, 2017
2017
Welcome to 2017!
The holidays have come to an end, and hopefully you have come out of it healthy and stable. I did because I paid attention to self-care. I did not go anywhere other than work, home and the gym, and I managed my sleep schedule. I felt a little stressed a few days ago just in regards to family wanting to get together and getting those last few Christmas presents ready. Other than that, it was one of the better holiday seasons I have been through in regards to my mental health.
Are New Year's Resolutions Really Helpful?
I'm not a big believer in New Year's Resolutions because I feel like it sets us all up for failure. We make really ambitious goals and when we don't achieve them in the timeframe we have lined up in our minds, we feel like failures. New Year's Resolutions have caused a lot of negative self-talk for me in the past. That's why I don't really make them in the traditional sense. I use the beginning the New Year to re-evaluate what worked for me in the past year, and what didn't. I think of changes I can make for this upcoming year to make it a tad bit better or easier.
Intentions instead of Resolutions
My "resolutions" are more small intentions that I set. I prefer the word intention to resolution. A few of my intentions for 2017 are:
- continue to attend the gym regularly, at least 4 times a week. I am not setting a weight loss goal, just a goal to be in the gym.
- continue to see my psychiatrist and therapist regularly.
- continue to take my meds as prescribed.
- continue to manage my sleep schedule throughout the year. I have a tendency to change my sleep patterns when my daughter is not in school. This year, I want to keep on the same schedule even though it means going to bed early when the days are longer. This might make my autumn mood episodes less severe. It will be a good experiment.
- continue to monitor my cholesterol. My cholesterol and blood sugars are high, which could be from diet, or from anti-psychotics. I am having my labs tested every six months, and my GP has me on fish oil supplements along with a diet of no fried food. If that doesn't help things, it will be time to take me off Seroquel which is scary in and of itself.
Be Realistic
You might think those are a lot of "intentions" for 2017, but really, they are small and realistic steps that I will be taking. Resolutions tend to be grandiose and unattainable. Maybe you really do plan to lose 20 pounds this year, and good on you if you do so. You may have a resolution to find "the one" by dating people like mad. If you find your soulmate, then great. But frankly, these types of resolutions are one I see all over social media, and frankly I don't think they are realistic. Earn more money and make new friends are other common resolutions. My question is: if those really are your goals, shouldn't you be working on them throughout the year? If you look at my intentions list above, you'll see that a lot of mine begin with "continue," because it's something I've already been doing.
Weeding Out Problems from 2016
I like to look back at the previous year and find things that did not work out for me. One of those things was (once again) taking on too much at a job that was really far away, about a 40 minute commute. This is a pattern for me. I pick a part-time job with low stress that fits some of my needs, and then I tend to take on more and more for fear for saying "no." This past year, I was a pet-sitter for one family that had horses, dogs and cats. Originally, the job was supposed to be two days a a week while I went back to school. It morphed into 5-6 days a week while I frantically struggled to keep my grades up, and imploded when I came down with pneumonia in August and a nasty ear infection that caused me to have vertigo and be housebound for nearly 3 months. I still work for the family one morning a week, and occasionally if there's an emergency. Since they hired someone else while I was sick for 3 months, I started looking for another part-time job to supplement. I found a pet-sitting company just a few miles from my home, and I have started working there a few days a week. I set my work load limit at 20 hours per week. As I am a good employee, they have already asked me to take on extra work in my first two weeks. My initial reaction was to say "yes," but I paused and said "no." No. no. no. I have to say no, or I will implode on this job, too. So my problem from 2016 and in years past was lack of no. 2017 is the year of No.
Recognizing the Positive from 2016 to Carry Forward Into 2017
I turned 31 in 2016, and man, did I feel the difference. I was not taking care of myself. I was (still am) overweight, I drank alcohol (not much but still not super healthy), I didn't work out, I tanned in UV booths, and I didn't go to the doctor for anything until I fell seriously ill with pneumonia which had ill effects lingering for 3 months. I figured that 2016 was the year I needed to start taking care of my body. I started working out at the gym and while I'm not losing tons of weight yet, I am getting toned and in better shape. I went in for my first annual physical and found that my cholesterol levels are horrible and my blood sugar is bad, both indicators for heart disease later in life. These could be due to the anti-psychotics I am taking, combined with my unhealthy lifestyle. So, I stopped alcohol completely, and am taking the multiple supplements my doctor recommended to me. I am attempting to eat better. I have stopped UV tanning completely. I am getting my blood checked 2x per year. I went to the dentist for the first time in 8 years in 2016 due to a phobia of dentists, and I got a tooth pulled and my last two cavities are scheduled to be fixed in 2 weeks. So I had positive momentum of taking care of myself in 2016 that I will take with me into 2017.
Hopefully, you are able to look back and see some positive from 2016, which seems like it was largely a bad year for everyone (at least, from my perspective). If not, maybe you'll be able to find out something to do differently for 2017 to change your luck.
The holidays have come to an end, and hopefully you have come out of it healthy and stable. I did because I paid attention to self-care. I did not go anywhere other than work, home and the gym, and I managed my sleep schedule. I felt a little stressed a few days ago just in regards to family wanting to get together and getting those last few Christmas presents ready. Other than that, it was one of the better holiday seasons I have been through in regards to my mental health.
Are New Year's Resolutions Really Helpful?
I'm not a big believer in New Year's Resolutions because I feel like it sets us all up for failure. We make really ambitious goals and when we don't achieve them in the timeframe we have lined up in our minds, we feel like failures. New Year's Resolutions have caused a lot of negative self-talk for me in the past. That's why I don't really make them in the traditional sense. I use the beginning the New Year to re-evaluate what worked for me in the past year, and what didn't. I think of changes I can make for this upcoming year to make it a tad bit better or easier.
Intentions instead of Resolutions
My "resolutions" are more small intentions that I set. I prefer the word intention to resolution. A few of my intentions for 2017 are:
- continue to attend the gym regularly, at least 4 times a week. I am not setting a weight loss goal, just a goal to be in the gym.
- continue to see my psychiatrist and therapist regularly.
- continue to take my meds as prescribed.
- continue to manage my sleep schedule throughout the year. I have a tendency to change my sleep patterns when my daughter is not in school. This year, I want to keep on the same schedule even though it means going to bed early when the days are longer. This might make my autumn mood episodes less severe. It will be a good experiment.
- continue to monitor my cholesterol. My cholesterol and blood sugars are high, which could be from diet, or from anti-psychotics. I am having my labs tested every six months, and my GP has me on fish oil supplements along with a diet of no fried food. If that doesn't help things, it will be time to take me off Seroquel which is scary in and of itself.
Be Realistic
You might think those are a lot of "intentions" for 2017, but really, they are small and realistic steps that I will be taking. Resolutions tend to be grandiose and unattainable. Maybe you really do plan to lose 20 pounds this year, and good on you if you do so. You may have a resolution to find "the one" by dating people like mad. If you find your soulmate, then great. But frankly, these types of resolutions are one I see all over social media, and frankly I don't think they are realistic. Earn more money and make new friends are other common resolutions. My question is: if those really are your goals, shouldn't you be working on them throughout the year? If you look at my intentions list above, you'll see that a lot of mine begin with "continue," because it's something I've already been doing.
Weeding Out Problems from 2016
I like to look back at the previous year and find things that did not work out for me. One of those things was (once again) taking on too much at a job that was really far away, about a 40 minute commute. This is a pattern for me. I pick a part-time job with low stress that fits some of my needs, and then I tend to take on more and more for fear for saying "no." This past year, I was a pet-sitter for one family that had horses, dogs and cats. Originally, the job was supposed to be two days a a week while I went back to school. It morphed into 5-6 days a week while I frantically struggled to keep my grades up, and imploded when I came down with pneumonia in August and a nasty ear infection that caused me to have vertigo and be housebound for nearly 3 months. I still work for the family one morning a week, and occasionally if there's an emergency. Since they hired someone else while I was sick for 3 months, I started looking for another part-time job to supplement. I found a pet-sitting company just a few miles from my home, and I have started working there a few days a week. I set my work load limit at 20 hours per week. As I am a good employee, they have already asked me to take on extra work in my first two weeks. My initial reaction was to say "yes," but I paused and said "no." No. no. no. I have to say no, or I will implode on this job, too. So my problem from 2016 and in years past was lack of no. 2017 is the year of No.
Recognizing the Positive from 2016 to Carry Forward Into 2017
I turned 31 in 2016, and man, did I feel the difference. I was not taking care of myself. I was (still am) overweight, I drank alcohol (not much but still not super healthy), I didn't work out, I tanned in UV booths, and I didn't go to the doctor for anything until I fell seriously ill with pneumonia which had ill effects lingering for 3 months. I figured that 2016 was the year I needed to start taking care of my body. I started working out at the gym and while I'm not losing tons of weight yet, I am getting toned and in better shape. I went in for my first annual physical and found that my cholesterol levels are horrible and my blood sugar is bad, both indicators for heart disease later in life. These could be due to the anti-psychotics I am taking, combined with my unhealthy lifestyle. So, I stopped alcohol completely, and am taking the multiple supplements my doctor recommended to me. I am attempting to eat better. I have stopped UV tanning completely. I am getting my blood checked 2x per year. I went to the dentist for the first time in 8 years in 2016 due to a phobia of dentists, and I got a tooth pulled and my last two cavities are scheduled to be fixed in 2 weeks. So I had positive momentum of taking care of myself in 2016 that I will take with me into 2017.
Hopefully, you are able to look back and see some positive from 2016, which seems like it was largely a bad year for everyone (at least, from my perspective). If not, maybe you'll be able to find out something to do differently for 2017 to change your luck.
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