Weird Symptoms of Bipolar

As with any mental illness, there are some pretty strange symptoms that crop up. I don't see a whole lot written about them, and I'm not 100% certain I have my symptoms in the right category here. This article is about weird Bipolar symptoms.

Hypersexuality

Not really discussed a whole lot, because when you are in for a your 3 month psychiatric check up, and your doctor asks, "How are things?" it's kind of weird to say, "Well, I kind of can't get enough sex," or "It's been Masturbation City at my house, how are you?"  Hypersexuality is a symptom of an elevated manic stated whether it's hypomania or full on mania. My husband gets a tiny bit of enjoyment out of this side of Bipolar disorder. Whatever, giggle or be shocked. It is what it is.

Exaggerations 

When I'm manic, everything is magnified a million percent. I find that I exaggerate even mundane things when I'm manic. For example, if my husband says nicely to me, "Sweeeeetie, could you try to put your curling iron on your side of the sink so I can get to my razor?" I see it as, WHOA NOW, let's de-escalate the YELLING. Another example would be me re-telling a story to someone. I could re-tell Moby Dick to someone who'd never read it, and it'd be INSANE!!!. It's not that I'm dishonest or a liar or trying to be deceptive; things are just super exaggerated in my brain and that's how it's processed and comes out when I'm in a manic or hypomanic state. When I'm not in a manic state, everything's normal.

Feeling Like I am Crawling Out of My Own Skin 

This is a very strange symptom I have when I am having a mood shift, and it doesn't matter if it's going into a Depressive state or a Manic state. I feel like my insides are roiling and that my organs themselves are trying to claw out of my body. It's almost physical pain sometimes. I know it's psychiatric related because it accompanies other symptoms of Bipolar, and when those symptoms are under control or in remission, the clawing internal pain goes away. I think it's some type of emotional disregulation that is so severe it causes me to feel it very physically. Very odd experience, and I have a hard time describing it. It almost feels like that scene from 'Alien.'

Mixed States 

Bipolar Mixed states are super weird. You are depressed and often suicidal, but you have manic energy and racing thoughts. The combination is often lethal for us Bipolar folks because you are having bad thoughts, and the energy and follow-through to carry them out. Mixed states are pretty awful to be in because you get both moods at the same time, and it's super, super strange. I am not sure I can explain it properly to someone who does not have Bipolar. Imagine going sky-diving out of a plane, and you expect to be falling down towards the Earth, but you are sucked up backwards towards the sun instead. Weird, weird, weird.

 Stuttering

In hypomanic/manic states, I s-s-stutter a lot as I speak much more quickly than normal, and I have a lot of GREAT ideas I need to get out of my mouth, and they compete with each other. Sometimes people think I'm a bit slow mentally when I am stuttering when in reality my mind is racing at a quadrillion miles an hour.

Cravings for illegal drugs and alcohol

I have never done any type of illegal drugs, not even pot. I don't drink and I don't smoke cigarettes. When I get manic, I want to try street drugs, drink and smoke so bad, it's so strange. My normal self is not interested in those things. Only my manic self. Inhibitions are lowered. I've never acted out on these impulses because I do not surround myself with people who make those types of decisions, and I have a stable and supportive family. My fahter was an alcoholic, as well as numerous members of my immediate family. Something deep down tells me one glance in this direction and I'm done.

Getting Lost in Familiar Surroundings

It could be that I simply get so disorganized while in Bipolar mania or what not, but I sometimes have a really hard time with getting around, even places that are super familiar to me like the grocery store, or work, or a park we frequent. I won't realize I'm lost until I'm driving around, frowning as to why the store is not *here*. This got really bad a few years ago, but with the increasing frequency of cell phones with GPS it's less of an issue. I still have to use GPS almost wherever I go. I don't know if this is a side effect of Bipolar meds, or a symptom of Bipolar or another one of the illnesses I have. It comes and goes. Sometimes I am super sharp and I can give really ordered, accurate directions and my husband stares at me like, WTF? And other times, I am calling him asking him how it could be that the gas station moved. It's almost like a block in my actual brain that I can feel. 

These are just a handful of strange Bipolar symptoms I experience regularly. I'd like to hear about yours if you have in below in the comments.

My Article for The Mighty!

I am very humbled and grateful for The Mighty for publishing my article:

The 'Un-traditional' Way I Manage My Bipolar Disorder During the Holidays

I hope that by writing about my own experiences, people may realize they have a mental illness and get treated, or that a loved one does.

Having a Good Relationship with Your Psychiatrist

Having a Good Relationship with Your Psychiatrist

I have underlined the title of this post because this is potentially a life-saving tip for someone with any mental illness, especially for people with Bipolar because we experience such extremes that are not always present when in a doctor's office. I have listed some things below that I have found helpful in having a good relationship with the person who will perhaps be as most involved in what's going on in your cranium as you are.

Step 1: Finding a psychiatrist

It is vitally important that you find a psychiatrist you both like AND trust. If you don't have either of those things, switch and keep looking. Trust me. Having Bipolar Disorder is serious business, and you need a doctor who is going to be on the same page as you. Your relationship with your psychiatrist is kind of weird. They hear your most bizarre symptoms and try to sort it out, prescribing serious medications with serious side effects. Like and trusts are essential components in a good doctor-patient relationship. Once you find a good psychiatrist, it's important for you to stay with them as long as you are able to because it will make your life easier than bouncing around from doctor to doctor.

Step 2: Maintain regular appointments 

Once you have found a good psychiatrist (and it can take some time), you need to uphold your end of the doctor-patient bargain by scheduling and showing up to appointments. Doctors will often drop patients if you are a chronic no-show. I understand that sometimes it's difficult to remember or get out of bed. My current psychiatrist almost dropped me a couple of years ago for multiple no-shows. I would forget in bouts of Mania when I become super, disastrously disorganized. I explained my problem to my doctor's office. They now do phone call reminders 24 hours in advance. I also invested in a $1 pocket planner that I keep in my purse to write appointments. When your doctor sees you showing up for appointments, they are going to see that you are honestly trying to be a good patient and recover from your illness. This will help establish a good doctor-patient relationship.

Step 3: Be Compliant with Your Medications

This is very important. It is necessary for you to be compliant with your medications. I know, it's hard to manage all the meds you can be taking for mental illness, especially bipolar disorder. If you are abusing your medications or not taking them as prescribed, your relationship with your doctor will suffer, and your life in general will be more stressful. I can't tell you how much easier my life is as a bipolar patient because I am medication compliant. When I wasn't med compliant several years ago, my refills were not done unless I was in an office visit, I had blood tests, my refills on medications were limited to none or 1, causing more frequent visits. Now, when I feel a mood issue arising, such as severe anxiety or sleep changes, or a stressful life event is occurring, I am trustworthy enough with my medications that my doctor will trust me and call in a needed medication to my pharmacy without a visit. I have heard many stories of people who were not medication compliant, and when they were in an unexpected situation, such as a mood shift, their doctors would not call in a prescription until they were seen in an office, which could mean days or weeks of suffering. I have been there. I am sure there are bad psychiatrists out there, and everyone is different. But I have been med compliant for several years and it has made that aspect of managing my Bipolar disorder easier.

Step 4: Speak Honestly and Be Detailed About Everything

Be honest and descriptive when speaking with your psychiatrist about anything from symptoms to concerns to medication side effects. Don't be vague and general. Be as detailed as you can.

 For example:

Patient: "I'm having trouble sleeping."

That could mean anything from having trouble falling asleep, having trouble staying asleep, waking up too early, and so on. A better response would be:

Patient: "I am having trouble falling asleep at night. My heart starts to pound and I have a lot of anxiety as I am trying to fall asleep. It usually takes me several hours to fall asleep if at all. It has affected my work performance and I am too tired to spend time with my family. My life is suffering from this problem and I need help."

This will tell the doctor about your quality of life and that you are distressed by your problem.

Another example:

Patient: "The medication makes me feel tired and I've gained some weight."

That could mean anything from feeling a tad sluggish and gaining 5 pounds to something more serious. I made this mistake over the past years as I piled on the pounds. Finally, I had to speak up and be detailed. My revised response was:

"I can't get out of bed in the morning to take my daughter to school because I am afraid I'll wreck; I am that tired. I can't do anything because the medication makes me too tired. I've gained 20 pounds in the past two months on this medication. I can't go on like this." When I used this response, my doctor lessened the dosage of the medication I am taking, and it made a big difference in the mornings. So you've got to communicate properly with your doctor.

So, you ask, when is it time to move on from your psychiatrist?

This is really a subjective issue. I recommend getting a second opinion from your (non-psychiatrist) therapist/counselor (if you have one) or a trusted family member or friend who is familiar with you and your condition before quitting one psychiatrist to leave for another. We can easily get frustrated with our psychiatrists because our condition is distressing. We can quit one to leave for another one in a bout of mania, or get dropped by one for the same reasons.

Some questions to ask yourself about if you should stay with the same psychiatrist, or move on:

- Do I feel rushed in the appointments, as if I don't have enough time to explain symptoms and concerns?
- Does my psychiatrist seemed genuinely interested in helping me recover or stabilize my Bipolar disorder?
- Do I feel comfortable talking to my psychiatrist about distressing symptoms?
- Have I improved under my psychiatrist's care (assuming you are taking your meds as prescribed and keeping appointments, etc)?
- How easy is it to get appointments (i.e, does it takes months or days to get into see your psychiatrist, or do they have an emergency line if the wait is long for an appointment)?
- Does my psychiatrist seem to take me seriously, or does he/she brush off concerns or symptoms that I deem significant?

If you have struggled with the above questions, you might think about switching to another psychiatrist. There may not be many options in your area (there's not a lot in mine unless I am willing to drive 45 min or more), and therefore you are assigned to the one you've got. In that case, make the best of the situation if you can, or make improvements even if it means inconvenience. For me, the most annoying situation I deal with is the appointment issue. My psychiatrist is overloaded with patients due to being one of the top in the region, so it takes months to get into see him. They have set up a nurse hotline for emergencies, which I use, but sometimes I would like an in person visit and that isn't always possible. Another issue I have struggled with is have I improved under his care over the past 6 years? I think so. I have been able to work (although, not consistently) a fair amount while under his care. So I suppose the correct answer is "yes."

If you have any suggestions for finding and maintaining a good relationship with a psychiatrist, please feel free to leave comments below.

Today Could Have Been Bad

As many of you with Bipolar Disorder know, unexpected challenges, stress and frustrations are especially hard to bear. I have been very careful this holiday season to place as little stress on myself as possible, except for the taking of a new part-time job (usually, I wouldn't take a job or quit a job during the holidays, but this one seems really great for my needs). My first real day on the job starts tomorrow. One of the main requirements of having this job is having a newer, updated smartphone. My hours are clocked in and out via a custom app, and since a lot of my job entails driving, the phone must have GPS so the office can see exactly where I am at all times, and how long it is taking me to get from point A to point B. This affects my mileage and gas reimbursement. Therefore, having a nice phone in working order is an essential component of this job.

I woke up an hour late this morning, unusual for me since my cell phone doubles as my alarm. I check my phone. I figured the phone had come unplugged during the night, or somehow disconnected from the outlet. Nope, still plugged in. I tried a different outlet, a different cord...phone still dead.

At this point, I am starting to have mild anxiety because it's Sunday and most business are not open very long.  I hop on Google. An hour later, nothing has worked. It's nearing 11am and I am starting to have some mood fluctuations and panic attacks. I can't very well tell my boss tomorrow on my first day of work that I can't work because my phone broke unexpectedly. Sure, I could try to buy a cheap phone that is prepaid, but there is no guarantee that it would be up to the standards my company requires. When I was hired, I had to present my phone and have the model approved. Showing up on my first day with a cheap $40 phone would be unprofessional.

I am tenuously holding onto my sanity at this point. Options are racing through my head.

I go to the wireless store where we have our contracts through. My broken phone is relatively new, and still under warranty. I take a breath. BUT, the associate begins to say.

No, nononononononono. No BUTS!

Panic starts again. It's Sunday, he reminds me, and with the holidays approaching, it could take a few days for the company to get me a replacement phone.

I want to cry and rage and I barely keep myself together.

The nice associate checks inventory. Even though my expensive, broken phone is less than a year old, it is no longer being made. No one has any in stock. He suggests a different model, a step up from my current model. He goes back to check. None of those in inventory, either.

Maybe it was my white-knuckle grip on the table, or maybe my flushed cheeks. It was 4 degrees this morning, and yet I felt like it was 80 in the store. I hugged my faded camo coat to me.

Model to model we go, each time the associate growing a bit more anxious like me. I wipe away a tear when we reach the end of the shiny smartphones. None in stock a week before Christmas.

At this point, I am near tears. I feel a panic attack coming on. I explain to the associate how I am just now well enough to start my new job tomorrow, but I must have a smartphone capable of certain things. He goes back to talk to his manager. They spend a lot of time talking and looking across the store at me, sitting in a stool with my head down.

The associate comes back and in says if I agree to new 2- year contract on a new phone, he can send me home with a nice smartphone with just the sales tax. I ask how that can happen, when they are out of all of the models?

He places a brand-new iPhone 7 Plus on the table in front of me. Only thing they've got in stock, he says to me. His manager approved it. Apparently, all the mid-range cell phones were out of stock, and the highest-end and lowest-end ones were the only ones remaining.

I awkwardly hug the associate, who shifts uncomfortably. Sometimes, I am socially inappropriate without meaning to be so. I call him my younger and cuter Santa Clause, which makes him turn red. He shows me how to work the phone.

I wrote this post because I immediately jumped to the worst conclusions this morning, a result of my anxiety. I felt mood swings because of my Bipolar Disorder.

However, I felt I did a rather nice job of keeping myself ordered the day before a new job, with a potential crisis like this. I took a moment to pause, and considered logical steps, instead of completely freaking out as I am wont to do. Normally, I would be a mess and shut down.

My line of thinking today included:

Step 1: What could I do that might fix the phone? What resources were available to me, such as the Internet, that might help me determine the problem?

Step 2: I cannot fix my phone on my own. Where do I go to get answers? I researched and went to the highest-rated ATT store in my area.

Step 3: I remained calm and polite as I possibly could as I explained my problem at the store. If I had gone in raging, I doubt I would have gotten the results I got today. I repeated back the information I was told in the form of options, so I would understand them.

Step 4: When it seemed that I was out of options, I stepped back and tried not to freak out while the associate consulted with his manager about my situation. The situation was resolved, and I have the nicest phone I have ever owned in my lifetime.

I was pretty proud of myself for thinking logically today, and not letting my anxiety and Bipolar Disorder control this situation.

Panic! Disorder

Panic Disorder!!!!!!!!

Although I mainly cover my diagnosis of Bipolar Type 1 Disorder, I also cover co-morbid conditions I have. According to this Psychiatric Times Journal Article, 95% of Bipolar patients met the criteria for THREE OR MORE co-morbid psychiatric illnesses. NINETY-FIVE percent! Nearly all of us with Bipolar have other psychiatric conditions as well.

Many of you reading this are like me. We have a multitude of illnesses that would be the devil to beat on their own, much less combined into a Death Team in our minds, constantly yelling inaccurate and false information to ourselves in our minds

Today, however, I am going to address Panic Disorder. Panic Disorder ranks #3 in my most distressing disorders (Bipolar and OCD rank 1 and 2, sometimes switching places). Panic disorder means you have panic attacks. You can have them for no reason at all, or for a certain reason. For me, there is no rhyme or reasons for the most part. I have intense attacks when I am doing something relatively low key, like watching Bob Ross paint happy little trees on TV, or on a fun outing at the Zoo with my family. There really is no sense to me of how my attacks happens. It's like watching 'Jaws'. You're on a boat, relaxing, and suddenly a huge ass shark flops on your boat and bites your legs off for no apparent reason.

What is a panic attack?

A panic attack is an intense wave of anxiety or fear that rushes over you. Some people have different symptoms. I get an ice-cold shot of adrenaline (which is the worse of the feelings, in my opinion), my heart begins racing/pounding especially fast and hard, and I feel like I can't breathe normally. I may get a little dizzy or light-headed. My heart continues to pound like I just ran a marathon. I break out in a cold sweat. My breathing may become labored. I feel like I'm having a heart attack, or ready to pass out. The sensations themselves are frightening, and usually last between 5 minutes to 30 minutes, depending on the severity. Xanax helps calm these bad boys down. I try not to become too reliant on Xanax, and I try to distract myself or calm myself down. It works sometimes, and sometimes it doesn't. Panic attacks will always go away eventually. The worse bout of panic I had was about 36 hours of non-stop attacks. At that point, I wasn't taking anything for anxiety, just Bipolar. I was given Xanax to break the cycle, which it did. That has only happened once, where it just seemed non-stop.

Panic attacks can snowball into a fear of panic attacks. If you're like me, you slowly start to become a hermit. You are afraid of going out of your house because you might have a distressing panic attack. This is where you turn into an agoraphobic: someone afraid to leave their house. I have struggled with mild agoraphobia before, which is another post. That is why Panic Disorder is so distressing. The best way I have found for dealing with Panic Disorder (besides benzos) is to acknowledge that I am having a panic attack. They are easy to identify. I just think, "Ok, I am having the beginnings of a panic attack and I will be fine in a few moments."I repeat this to myself over and over, and eventually the panic attack will cease. I have found running away from the situation I am in while having a panic attack makes my panic disorder worse in the long run. The next time I am in that situation, I will get another panic attack, sometimes worse. Therefore, I try not to leave where I am having the panic attack, whether it's a store, someone's house, or my own bedroom. I don't always succeed in staying in place. I have had panic attacks in bed as I'm trying to sleep, and sometimes I felt so suffocated that I moved into the living room and slept on the floor with the ceiling fan on. You just sort of do the best you can. Each panic attack is an opportunity to defeat the disorder a little more. Don't get discouraged if you have setbacks. Except setbacks to happen, especially with a disorder like this.

Panic attacks tend to vary in frequency for me, and tend to accompany Mania. Some days I will log 15-20 panic attacks, then go a month without one. It just depends on the person. If they are too severe, my psychiatrist and I will discuss the risks of a manic episode versus an anti-depressant to help with the attacks. Sometimes I risk it, sometimes I don't.

Panic disorder is hell to live with. You never know when it's going to explode out from inside of you, like that guy in 'Alien.' Just know that you are not alone if you are experiencing these distressing episodes. It's always best to talk to a doctor if you think you are having panic, although a frequent way of being diagnosed is going to an ER for chest pains (happened to me several times). I can encourage you that medication can help tremendously with panic attacks as well as CBT. I have found that a combination of medication and CBT is the most effective. If I had to choose between the two, though,  I'd choose medication. Anti-depressants usually resolve panic for me (pre-bipolar dx) after about 6-8 weeks of taking them. My current mood stabilizers seems to slightly help panic. Otherwise, I am using benzos, CBT and rigorous exercise to help. It never completely goes away, but I have had months-long debilitating episodes of panic attacks and months-long without panic attacks.

The best way I cope with them is to accept them and try to move on. Logging them is also helpful I have found, for it can help you see any triggers. I learned from logging my attacks that they are spontaneous for the most part, but have a slightly higher frequency of happening in crowded places such as a busy store or a packed bus. It may be helpful for you to log your symptoms, too. I recommend logging any symptoms associated with mental illness. I strongly believe that tracking and logging symptoms will eventually help you understand how your mind is working (against you, in this case).

Anxiety

An...xi....ety  (This is a loooooong post. Sorry in advance. Anxiety deserves its own descriptive file.)

Anxiety: Also known as one's own deep personal hell. Anxiety is your brain working against you. Anxiety can become a living, breathing dragon, puffing steam over your tense shoulders, whispering fallacies that take root and begin to grow in your mind.

You're not going to be able to do this.

You can't handle this.

This will be a disaster.

You're a failure.

Everyone is laughing at you. 

You're too fat.

You're stupid. 

They're all judging you.

What if you can't sleep tonight?

What if that cramp in your leg is cancer?

Lies, lies, lies, and more lies.

Yet this is just a teensy bit of internal dialogue that goes on inside the brain of someone diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. Anxiety disorders are right up at the top of the list of my Most Distressing Mental Disorders. Bipolar and OCD are competitors for the number 1 spot usually, but sometimes Anxiety reaches up and takes the cake. Typically, I would rank Anxiety in the third spot, sometimes tied for second (it used to be considered in the same group as OCD, but I guess now OCD is its own disease now). Anxiety is a vicious beast. The only way I can manage my severe anxiety is with medication, specifically, Xanax. I have found that anti-depressants help with anxiety, but I cannot take those with Bipolar disorder.

There are so many different forms of anxiety disorders. General Anxiety, Anxiety from PTSD, Social Anxiety, Phobias, Panic Disorder, and so on. No matter that type of anxiety disorder you have, it's a brutal beast to have on your back.

I am not a doctor or a medical professional. All of these experiences are my own or first-hand from other non-medical people. Please consult a medically-qualified person if you believe you have any of the conditions I discuss here on my blog.

All of this material is my own thoughts and opinions from my own experiences with mental illnesses. All sources are attributed when used.

Mild Helpers for Anxiety

As I mentioned above, I don't have any magical cures for anxiety. The best thing I can do for my own anxiety (General/Panic) is to not fight the attack when it comes. I acknowledge it but let it come. If that doesn't help, Xanax does. I use an app at night called "Calm," and it uses guided meditation to help calm you down from a variety of situations where anxiety might be triggered. That helps me fall asleep at night. Exercise seems to help stave off the frequency of panic attacks and the severity of the anxiety.

Sleep Anxiety

Anxiety is also so brutal because it tends to rob the sufferer of sleep. I get so much sleep anxiety, it's ridiculous. It's called hypnophobia. Basically, you have a bad night's sleep, then you start worrying about the next night's sleep, and it turns into this vicious, hellish nightmare of a cycle. Our three-pound noodle goop is weird like that. The only way I can manage my sleep problems is through medication. I will talk more about sleep, Bipolar disorder, and sleeping medication in a different post. Actually, I have decided I will do a whole post on hynophobia and sleep disorders in the future.

Social Anxiety

Social anxiety is wonnnnddeeeerrrfffullll. Or a hellish nightmare; you choose what you want to call it. I do have social anxiety, but not as severely as some others I have met in person or online. With social anxiety, you are afraid of anything involving other people. Some weird aspects of social anxiety that I have encountered are: being anxious of sleeping with anyone else in the room with me (including beloved husband...usually have to go off to the guest room or the couch), being overwhelmed at events or parties, and avoiding human contact in general. I do avoid parties and get-togethers, and large crowds. I don't know if this is necessarily social anxiety so much as I prefer to be in my own company. I do know at least one friend of mine who is incapacitated from social anxiety, only leaving his house to work on a behind-the-scenes tech job with very little people interaction, and ordering all of his supplies online, and having friends and family go to the store for him. He doesn't mind being outside of his house (so it's not agoraphobia), it's that he gets such severe panic attacks around people. People with social anxiety tend to get wound up in panic attacks and knots, always fearing others are watching, judging and laughing at them. It's an isolating condition.

Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD)

Generalized Anxiety Disorder means that you don't have anxiety tied to one specific area, like a social event or a past trauma. You just have anxiety in general all or most of the time. Everything gives you anxiety. Your anxiety gives you anxiety. You worry constantly about the littlest of things and blow things out of proportion. You struggle with insomnia as your mind will not turn off at night. You ruminate on every thought and comment and discussion. You feel tense and on edge with nothing going on in your life to cause it. GAD looks like this: You take your car into the mechanic for an oil change, and he comes out and asks to talk to you about something. You immediately start wondering how in the world you are going to afford thousands to fix your car, and you may even start to call or text people to start arranging for rides to and from work since your car is broken. It turns out, the mechanic just wanted to tell you your car needed a new air filter for $5 and wanted to double-check that it was ok with you before he changed it. Another example: Walking out of a department store and the sensor alarm goes off, and you break into a cold sweat, stopping dead in your tracks. Your mind whirls, What set off the alarm? Was it my bag? Oh my god, they think I stole something! What am I going to tell the police when they arrive to arrest me? Turns out, an employee waves you through, telling you the sensor has been malfunctioning all day, and to have a pleasant afternoon. That's what GAD is. It blows every little thing in your life way out of proportion. It is an illogical mess in your mind. I have GAD, and I tend to write down my illogical thoughts, which helps me see how silly and outlandish they are.

Panic Disorder & Agoraphobia

Ug. I am already working on a whole, separate post for Panic Disorder. It is very distressing but also one of the most treatable disorders for me in my own personal experience. The next post on my blog after this one goes up will be about Panic Disorder. It will also briefly address Agoraphobia which is basically a crippling condition where you avoid any situations that cause you panic, and your anxiety levels keep increasing, therefore your world keeps shrinking.

Phobias

Here is a link to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America's article on specific phobias. The only phobia I've had an experience with is hynophobia, the fear of sleep. I am currently working on that in therapy. Other than that, I don't have really specific phobias, so I can't write a ton on other types of phobias. If you have different types of clinically diagnosed phobias, I'd love to hear about them in the comments section.

What's You, and What's Your Anxiety?

Sometimes, my anxiety is so bad that I will be left crying it out. That's when I write down the thoughts in my head on a piece of paper on the left side of the paper. I draw a line down the middle. I write each anxious thought down in the left column, and I counter it with a logical thought on the right side of the paper. But how do you know what is from your anxiety talking, and your own, regular human emotions?

It's difficult to discern what thoughts are your anxiety, and what thoughts are your regular set of reactions. For example: If you have a final exam tomorrow, and you wonder if you are going to get a good grade or not and this is making you anxious, it's probably a normal human reaction. After all, getting good grades on final exams are important. Another example: If you are getting ready to ask the girl of your dreams out on a date, you might be anxious that she'll say no or think ill of you. That's a pretty normal human reaction.

Catastrophic Thinking & Abnormal Anxious Thoughts

An abnormally anxious reaction to the above final exam situation would be: I know that despite studying and doing my best in the class, I'm going to fail the final. I am going to get a C in the class. My professor will think poorly of me. I am so stupid. I may as well drop out of school. I wonder what types of jobs I could get after this term is over. Maybe college isn't for me. *begins looking at Craigslist jobs* 

So we went from worrying about doing well on the final (normal), to searching for jobs because we might drop out of school because there is not a possible way to do well on the final (abnormal, catastrophic thinking).

An abnormally anxious reaction to the above ask-out-the-girl situation would be: She is way too pretty and nice for me. Look at me. I'm average height. I don't workout like a lot of guys do, and I don't make very much money. Why put myself through the rejection? Women will never like me. I will spend my whole life alone. A relationship with any woman is hopeless. The rest of my life will be miserable.

So we went from being nervous about asking a pretty girl on a date to determining that we will have a hopeless, lonely life with no meaningful relationships.

This is Anxiety the Devil-Beast talking.

Rational Responses

Who knows? Maybe you ace the Final Exam. Maybe you fail it and get a C in the class, and go on to get better grades in the future. It's just one class, after all. You're not perfect.

Who knows? Maybe that pretty girl says yes, and you have a wonderful relationship that leads to something more. Or, maybe she says no, and you shrug it off, realizing that there are plenty of women out there.

Those are the rational responses. Those of us with Anxious brains don't have those rational responses right away. We always go to the worst situation we can think of.

One personal example I went through recently was a severe ear infection that affected my balance. It caused me vertigo and balance issues, and I was quite sick for several months from the combination of the infection, and the steroids and antibiotics. The specialist told me it could take up to four months to go away completely. After 3 weeks, I convinced myself I was going to permanently disabled and ordered a cane online, and started researching handicap placards for my car. Sure enough, though, my ear infection went away and I am back to my normal, physically-healthy self -- in four months, just like my doctor said.

Suicide: My Experiences

This post can be triggering if discussion about suicide is a difficult topic for you to read about. If you are sensitive to this issue, please use this time to close the browser window or go to a different website.

Ah, so here we are: Bipolar and Suicide.

According to this Psychiatric Times Journal Article, approximately 50% of Bipolar people have attempted suicide. That number is staggering. One in two of us will attempt suicide in our lifetime. If that doesn't indicate the pain people with Bipolar Disorder go through, I don't know what will.

Have I attempted suicide?

Vaguely. Let me just state now that my encounters with suicide are nowhere near the severity of others who suffer with Bipolar, but this is a blog about my experiences, not theirs, so...

When I was 7 years old, I was having intrusive thoughts due to OCD (undiagnosed at that time, you can read that post here). I wanted the thoughts to stop. The only way I knew how to do that in my 7 year old brain was to stab myself in the general area of my torso, like on a movie I had seen (I would sneak out into the hallway and watch TV while my mom sat on the couch...got all the good scary shows in then).

One day,  I went to the kitchen and picked out the sharpest kitchen knife I could find. I pulled my shirt up over my 7 year-old pot belly, and put my hand over my chest, determining which side my heart was in. Of course, not being an anatomical expert at 7, I placed the knife more in my stomach area, below my sternum. I was alone at the time. My mom was at work. My dad was on one of his disappearances. I stood there in the kitchen, and slowly pressed the tip of the knife into my skin. It hurt way more than I expected, and I stopped. I looked down. I had barely even drawn blood. That made me frustrated. I tried again and again, getting slightly more blood, getting the knife tip a little more in. But it was too painful.  I put the knife away and looked at my stomach. Stabbing myself through was not going to work. I didn't have any other ideas, so I went to finish my math homework.

As time passed, I still hadn't come up with any ways of really killing myself. The knife was out. I didn't know about pills, hanging, guns or what not. But the thought was all-consuming and with me throughout my childhood.

When I was about 19, I was still uneducated about drugs and pills and what not, being in a very religious and sheltered household. I swallowed as many vitamins, tylenol, laxatives and supplements I could get my hands on, thinking the interactions would kill me or something. It was an impulsive decision, one born out of hate for myself. I ended up shooting those things out of both ends of my body, and slept for 24 hours. After that, I was fine. I was also discouraged. I started googling how to kill myself with pills. I felt like an idiot. The 40 or so pills I had taken were not good for my body, but they were nowhere near what was needed to kill myself. I debated going to the store and buying tons of benadryl, but there was no guarantee that the same type of thing wouldn't happen again. I put suicide off again.

Those are really the only two "attempts" or "encounters with suicide" I have made. They weren't very serious attempts compared to a lot of Bipolar people out there. But they were very real attempts to me based on my limited knowledge of killing myself at the time.

Now, I still have suicidal thoughts, and they are a regular part of me. They are nothing new. They come in, and stick around. Sometimes I write suicide thoughts down as a cathartic experience, other times I just ignore them. There have been times more recently where I have seriously considered suicide, but after doing a lot of research, determined that the ways would be too uncomfortable, too messy for people to clean up after, or have no guarantee of succeeding. The last thing I would want to do is decide to punch my ticket off this ball of dirt, and wake up with brain damage or some other chronic problem due to a failed attempt.

When the thoughts come now, I contact my psychiatrist, and we usually make a medication adjustment. Having a family helps me as well. I think about suicide, and what it would do to my daughter. I couldn't do that to her. It would scar her for life, and she would always be under the umbrella of my own selfish, morbid decision. She is so bright, sweet and well-adjusted and I see a wonderful future ahead for her. I couldn't dim her light from my own desires to put myself out of my own misery.

Mood tracking helps as well, for it gives you a bit of a scientific, objective look into your mental illness. I use an app called Mood Tracker (it has four yellow faces on it, one with a thunderstorm, one with a lightning bolt, and so on). It's free. I've used it for a couple of years. If you track your moods diligently, you can start to see patterns. You log your sleep, your meds, your mood, and any misc. notes you want to add. You can also email the file to yourself or your doctor or therapist. It's pretty easy to use and when I get suicidal thoughts, I can usually go on there and see a decline in mood over the period of a few days, even if I don't realize the decline at the time. As I said in a previous post, depression hits me hard and it's hard for me to recognize the signs of it.

I wonder if my suicidal thoughts were worse as a young person. They seem to get better as I get older, although I am currently on medication so that could definitely be lessening the seriousness of the those thoughts. I was not on medication as a young person, although I definitely needed to be. As I have mentioned before in this blog, the only time I have been hospitalized was when I was feeling majorly suicidal, just as I was receiving my Bipolar diagnosis and getting put on correct medication.

When I have the thoughts of wanting to die, which still do occur, I delay any further decision for 24 hours. I keep delaying my decision of whether or not to kill myself by hours or days. Usually by that time, I can get past the thoughts. As I mentioned above, writing my own suicide letters sometimes helps me get the thoughts down on paper and gets some of the stress out.