Bipolar Anxiety/Depression

I looked in the mirror this morning and finally admitted it to myself:

I have not been well since last fall.

Really crippling anxiety and OCD have tag-teamed me into depression. I am taking steps to recover by going to a group of therapists who specialize in OCD and anxiety; I am talking to my psychiatrist via his office's client email form in order to adjust medications; I am meditating; I am walking outside in the sunshine every day, I am eating healthier than previously, I am taking enough tranquilizers to put down a small elephant.

I am still barely able to stand it. It got so bad that I pleaded with my psychiatrist for an anti-depressant. He knows I don't ask for one unless I really need it due to the possibility for bipolar mania. He called me in a script for Zoloft. I have the bottle sitting on top of my coffee maker so I don't forget it in the mornings. Coffee-and-Zoloft mornings this week...mania be damned, I don't care right now. I don't want to feel this anxious, this upset and overwrought 24-7. I am doing everything right. It's so frustrating when that doesn't work.

I am still working part-time and going to school full-time. Thankfully, work has been slow and pressure and hours are low. I don't mind the tighter budget when that happens right now. School ends in May so I will have less stress and more time to practice self-care.

All I want is to be less anxious. Just less anxious, not even cured from anxiety. My OCD checking is back, and I either give into it or suffer through the abstaining. Intrusive thoughts frustrate me and send my panic attacks into high gear.

Zoloft will eventually kick in, and I will eventually be in a better mood. I will eventually have less anxious thoughts and the OCD will retreat somewhat.

For now, I wait. I am tormented by my mind, but I know it will pass.